A visit to the pharmacy

I stopped in the pharmacy yesterday where a very old, starchy looking man stood waiting for me to hand over a prescription. I had none such thing. I had a list in my head of conception related items. Completely bizarre ones:

folic acid + vitamin B6 (50-100mg)
Robitussin type cough syrup with guaifenesin
baby aspirin
10 ml syringes

And the farty old pharmicist began to grill me:

"Do you have a prescription for the veeta-meen?"
"How old is the buh-bay?
"Why do you need the syringes?"
"Is it a dry or wet cough you have?"

Needless to say I left the pharmacy empty handed. I didn't feel like explaining myself while all the other customers standing directly behind me tapping their feet eavesdropped. Oh how I long for a normal pharmacy section in a store like Walmart or Target! I can look as long as I like, no questions asked. I can get what I want. My god I can have a little privacy!

Here would have been my very loud responses if I had more nerve.

"No I don't have a prescription for the veeta-meens but I'm training my body for some pretty hot sex so I need all the energy I can get."

"the baby isn't here yet but the baby aspirin might make sure it stays in my body instead of the toilet, know what I mean"

"I want the syringes because I'm too tired to have hot sex every day for 10 days straight, let's just call them genetic squirtguns... "

"The cough medicine is for my vagina actually...I'd say you could call it a dry cough in this case ..."

Lord help me I want so badly to be bold enough to say those things one day. I was so frustrated not to get what I wanted. This always happens to me here though. You really have to leave your brain at the door in the French pharmacy. Half of the time they end up giving me something I didn't even want. I'm so tired of this. I KNOW what I want so give it to me. And why on earth do I need a prescription for vitamins?

I'm definitely going back ...

New method

Our RE's and OB's have always advised that we bd every other day on days 10-18. I have followed this advice and of course we always try to get all those days in, as much as we can. Well when we aren't exhausted from having a baby waking us up at all hours of the night. Things are better on that front since baby S sleeps now.

This month we're trying a new approach: every single day from days 12-18. That's seven days in a row with no breaks. That's a lot of bd'ing you know. Seb will probably be pleased with the new schedule but I don't know how I feel about it. I guess it can be fun but I really need the whole romance and candle thing to go along with it. I hope I can keep up. That's an awful lot of romance and candles. The whole idea of HAVING to bd always makes me uptight anyway. I don't like that "flat on the back" feeling of bd'ing for ttc. I'd rather use the patented low tech syringe method than faking it. I mean why bother? I guess we'll be burning a lot of candles this month, either that or visiting the pharmacy for a supply refill.

Le fin enfin

This cycle is finally over. I'm kind of sad, after all I was clinging to that thread of maybeness. But I always cling to that, even if Seb and I bd on cycle day 27 I cling to the hope of an accidental pregnancy. I've always wanted to have an accidental pregnancy. In, many other ways though I'm relieved to not be having to worry about a pregnancy just after a miscarriage. I feel like this cycle means we can start fresh. Cycle day one, full of so many possibilities.

My next period falls on December 21st, right at the start of the holiday season. I've decided to call the IVF clinic in Lyon and ask them if I can start my injectables anyway, even though they'll be on a two week break. I'm pretty sure they'll say no. I think it's because the timing is right before the holidays and they'll be afraid I'll have a problem and they'll have to be on call for me. It's worth asking about though. Umm, begging that is.

For the record we are going to bd "like rabbits on viagra" this cycle so maybe we won't even need the clinic. Yeah, right we won't need them. You heard me ...tounge sticking out, rasberries, etc.

Headache

I had such a headache last night at Bea's house I was practically blind with it. I felt awful. I think I have baby S's cold. I feel very run down. While I was there Bea's sil who shared my due date called. Bea handed me the phone to chat a few seconds with her because we often chat if she calls while I'm there. I wasn't sure if she knew I'd miscarried and so I tried not to ask too much about her pregnancy because I didn't want her to say "I'm so excited for you!!" and then she'd feel strange when I dropped the bomb. So, I just said "how are you feeling these days" and she said "fine, fine, fine." I knew then that she knew. She was very tight lipped about mentioning anything about her pregnancy. Whew, awkward moment! I'm sure it was awkward for her too and I just felt really crappy afterwards.

Words of wisdom: if you know someone who has had a miscarriage it's perfectly fine to talk about it. No one has said anything to us about the miscarriage. Seb's parents, my mom, his friend at his job (the ones with the new baby we saw like all day Saturday), Bea, her sil etc. It's amazing. Okay so if you know someone who has this happen to them here is what you do. The etiquette of a miscarriage if you will. Tell the person: "I heard that you lost the baby and I'm so sorry. If you need to talk I'm here. Please call me anytime." That's it. That's all you need to say. I can't tell you enough how important it is to mention it to the person. So many people were so animated when we told them about the pregnancy and then SO SILENT afterwards. The silence was almosy deafening. It still is. TALK PLEASE.

Otherwise Thanksgiving was great fun and Bea was in rare form. She's a party girl at heart so by the end of the evening she had all us women howling with laughter. She's also southern so when she drinks a little wine her North Carolina drawl comes back. It's very funny to watch the transformation.

I had to tell Bea we we're trying again and that there was a slim chance I could be pregnant because she kept pushing cold medicine and headache remedies on me. I felt kind of silly mentioning it to anyone normal*. It just must seem like I'm obsessed with pregnancy to outsiders. Well, I guess I am but no one is supposed to know, shhhh.

*Bea once confided in me that she'd talked with her doctor about secondary infertility because she'd had two failed cycles and felt afraid of not being able to conceive. She finally conceived on the third cycle. To her credit she was trying to make me feel like we were sisters in IF, but I just have to laugh when I think about what her doctor must have thought when she said "it's been TWO whole cycles & we can't have a baby. I'm SO worried." He probably just shook his head and thought the same thing I did when she told me this story; "Madame you have no idea."

Thanksgiving

I'm going to be cooking with Bea at her house today and enjoying my first Thanksgiving in a long, long time. It's been what, seven years? It's going to be hard to avoid drinking Diet Coke all day since we'll be cooking all afternoon. The two seem to go hand in hand. Anyway, my contribution is: green beans with roquerfort cheese, walnuts & bacon. Then, a lovely apple pie. I'm also bringing the wine, a bubbly pettilent de Savoie. It should be a nice evening, but a little rushed since everyone won't arrive until 7pm & must leave around 10pm. Gotta love Thanksgiving in France!

Hey my temps went back up again. That's good. At least my LP is going to be a bit longer. I just want this cycle over so we can start fresh again.

As they dive

My temps have taken their dive. I was really hoping for a little longer luteal phase, but I guess I made it ten days. That's not too bad. This month is a little weird anyway. Who knows what's normal in this cycle.

I just realized today that if all goes as scheduled my next period will fall at around Christmas week. I won't be able to start any treatment then either! The clinic will be closed. That means I'll have to wait for another cycle in mid January. Two whole cycles wasted!

Maybe this is a shot at another natural pregnancy and I should look at it that way. We're certainly going to give it our best shot, but morale is low at casa conception and I think we're a little gun shy after the last disappointing failure.

Meanwhile my ears are trying to stay deaf to people complaining about their pregnancies. First of all my friend Bea was just chatting with me the other day telling me how her sister-in-law is "just miserable with morning sickness...and her boss is unhappy so she said to him..., blah, blah, blah..." And the story went on and on and on about how disgusted poor S is with her life right now, and I guess I was supposed to say "poor thing," which I actually did say because I was otherwise speechless. I'm not being hypersensitive but this is the same sister in law who shared my due date. My EXACT due date. Bea was so excited when she found out about our shared dates because she has always wanted me to meet S. S and I have actually written to each other a few times and I really like her. Anyway, Bea thought it was destiny that we had become pregnant the same week. I know Bea probably forgot, either that or her compassion chip fell out, or else am being hypersensitive, but eek...come on. She has to know that I would love to be in S's vomit covered shoes. I'm also tired of people complaining about their pregnancies on ttc boards where people are clearly still trying (and not succeeding) to become pregnant. The board I post on had two miscarriages this month from members who have been posting for over a year, and yet still people are complaining about "back aches," and "morning sickness" Hey, that's what pregnancy boards and personal blogs are for, complaining! I like hearing about the pregnancies and seeing the belly shots. I really enjoy that in fact, but complaints in such a forum just raise the hair on my neck. Now you just get your little progesto-butts on over to the first tri board and commiserate where you ought to. Have a little heart here!

This just furthers my theory that pregnant women are completely selfish creatures. Trust me I remember all too well.

Getting back to the garden

Here are six top basic lifestyle changes that Cynthia Stadd, Director of Nutrition Services at The Berkley Center, recommends to proactively promote and prepare your body for conception.

Greatly reduce or eliminate caffeine and coffee altogether. It is a vasoconstrictor which can impede blood flow.

Okay, that's something I've been trying to do for a while now. I drink coffee in the morning and usually have a tea or a Diet Coke at tea time. I'm not officially addicted to caffeine I just find the coffee/tea/coke thing to be very comforting. And, what are the alternitives in the morning. I suppose herbal teas would be a substitute but that doesn't sound very exciting does it?.

And for the record chocolate is my big caffeine addiction. I ADORE it. We eat at least two bars a week! And it's good chocolate seeing that we're in France near Switzerland. How do I give up that. NOTE: will make concerted effort to give up chocolate *DEEP sigh* for the conception of the baby but can't guarantee it as a lifetime committment.

Establish a whole foods based diet that's easy to incorporate into your busy lifestyle. Include whole vegetables, grains, nuts, seeds, and minimal animal protein. Consider scheduling a consultation with a nutritionist to discover which fresh whole foods you should choose for your body type including quantities, shopping tips and food preparation techniques for maximum health and digestion.
Drink plenty of water and avoid sugary liquids.

I think we already eat well, umm except for the chocolate addiction that is. I like the idea of seeing a nutritionist though. I've wanted to do that for a long time. S/he will most likely suggest I write down all of the foods I eat for a few weeks. I know this because my friend Dee saw a nutritionist recently and she had to do just that. Scary to see what we actually eat! At least Dee thought so. I have to start drinking more water. I'm very bad about that. I admit to adding orange juice to my water to make myself drink more of it. I know it's a sugar load but at least I'm hydrating myself.

Avoid chemicals, additives and preservatives. Get educated on how to read food labels, recognize the artificial sweeteners to stay away from, and get acquainted with some natural sweeteners you may never even have heard about. Start increasing your fertility quotient with powerful dietary and nutritional counseling.

The problem is that in Europe foods aren't labelled with as much detail as I have found in the US. As for sugar, we don't use it very much, or at least I don't. Seb uses lots of sweetners in his coffee. I have turned him onto using honey though and he likes it but he still uses a ton. I try to bake with less and less sugar these days. I guess I have to learn to cut it out completely for a while.

Limit your dairy intake. Find out the scary correlation between cow's milk and reproductive health. Get the latest information on hormones, organics and soy… and how they may be affecting your reproductive health.

I'm in the slow process of giving up dairy. It's SO hard. I recently gave up milk but cheese! I love cheese! HOW can I give up cheese and stay in this country, tell me that? What is this scary correlation she talks about. Hmmm, very curious. Excuse me while I google.

Curb unhealthy cravings. Here's a simple solution you can start using tomorrow. Eat breakfast! Skipping breakfast can make cravings worse so start your day right and don't miss the most important meal of the day.

No problem because I love breakfast. It's just that without dairy and coffee I'm having a hard time with breakfast right now. Any ideas?

Magic Secret revealed at long last

So since reading about Carol Andrews Magic Secret I have to admit I've been intrigued. Not intrigued enough to spend 29 dollars mind you, but intrigued enough to find out just WHAT she thinks is important enough to make such a fuss about. It wasn't hard to find her sources. I just googled a few references to her name, where funnily enough no one actually gave away her secret. Through these posts I did somehow gleam what it was she was selling. It might be smarter to read the book by the nutritionist Francesca Naish, which it seems is where Carol gets the majority of her information for her Magic Secret from. Her whole Magic Secret seems to revolve around Naish's philosphy that we need to eliminate toxins from our lives in order to boost fertility. I can't agree more, but the trouble is that some of these include radical lifestyle changes that are difficult to implement all at once. Examples of her suggested changes include going entirely organic and only shopping in whole foods stores, and not using tupperware because of the adverse effects of the toxins in the plastic. These two things alone are radical lifestyle changes for me. Entirely organic shopping? Difficult at best where I live. Giving up tupperware? I don't even know what to do with that information. I have a whole fridge full of it with the amount of cooking and organizing I do.

But I agree wholeheartedly and I'm willing to make some changes, slowly. I've added some links in my sidebar to better make it towards this goal, not just for fertility reason but for health and well-being.

Envy

We went to visit one of Seb's work buddies yesterday. We were there to bring a baby gift and see a little bundle, their third girl born in six years. His wife who I've met a few times before is really nice. She looked to be in that "first month after birth" period where you know, you look a little bloated, lost, and you sleep a lot.

Holding their little "Lou-Lou" made me feel very nostalgic. She's was so tiny and fragile. How soon we forget that period of time. I thought she looked a little like I did when I was born, a shock of black hair shooting out in all directions and an olive complexion. I just wanted to claim her as mine and run home with the prize. She looked like something I'd pick from a catalogue...girl model, dark hair this time to compliment baby S's blond locks. Of course I'd miss the whole pregnancy experience if I could just have one just given to me. Call me crazy but I really like the pregnancy part. It must be all the waiting to actually become pregnant that made me love it. I enjoyed all the heaps of misery dished out during my nine months.

Lou-Lou's poor mom is having a terrible time breastfeeding. I tried to tell her to forget all the advice and trust her abilities. I didn't want to give her too much advice because I didn't want to seem like a know it all, after all she's the mom of three! But she hadn't really breastfed her first two so long and she's forgotten everything. Breastfeeding is so frustrating in the first six weeks. If you can get past that and have that baby latching on, then you're over the hardest part. There are some other battles but they're minor in comparison to those early feedings. I think most women just assume that it's easy for everyone who keeps on doing it. I felt that in her tone of voice. The tears, I distinctly remember them! I remember the frustration and the overwhelming worry over the baby's weight gain like it was yesterday. I hope she can get past all that and get to the best part, babe all curled up in your arms all snuggly and warm, sweet breath in unison with your own. Yum . . .

And the temps are up

Okay this is and well, was definitly ovulation. Either that or it's because Seb finally decided we should turn the heat on ...l'avare. If all goes accordingly I'd get my period next Friday and then I'd be back on track.

There's no way that they'd let me start an IVF cycle this month so that's kind of disappointing. The clinic's offices are closed the last two weeks of December and I'd fall right into that crack. That means I'd do it January or February. I hope it's not much later than that. Especially since they'll be reducing my meds by half from what I took with my last IVF cycle. I'm a high risk for overstimulation and landed in the hospital with it last time. It was horrible. But with the decrease in meds I'm afraid it won't work and I'll have to do yet another round. My doctor already told me "expect to do at least two maybe three rounds, then you won't be disappointed."

Don't you just love RE's. I think we should make a book of all of the inhumane things RE's say that make us feel terrible. When my friend Dee asked an innocent question about why she might have poor egg quality, her RE came back with a loud and sarcastic, "But Madame you aren't exactly young ..." He's the oldest guy in her clinic, mid sixty something. Nice.

Yay it's O!

I think it's O at least. I've had a two day rise on my chart. I feel really good about the chance that things will be back to normal again. I hate the "middle of the road" place my body seemed to be in after the miscarriage. Anyway, O'ing again is a good sign. Lets hope those temps stay up for a few days at least and don't plummet and then rise and plummet and rise.

Seb and I did do something around cd 12 but our hearts weren't into doing any more than that. Not such a cop out. I figured this cycle would be a mess anyway so why bother having ANY planned intercourse. We really get turned off by it when it's planned anyway so it's never this wonderful, passionate moment. We've had our fair share of timed bd'ing over the years and it's always a real passion killer for us when you MUST bd. So this was just a half-hearted quickie.

There's a really long shot that those temps will stay up indefinitely. I wouldn't bet a load of money on the longevity of the swimmers or the patience of the egg in this case but we can go pretty far on hope can't we? Oh good let's!

Temping

Well back to taking my temperature in the morning like the old days. Fertility Friend does make it easier than jotting stuff down on a perpetually missing sheet of paper.

My temps are up and down and cm is all over the place. I think my fertility situation looks like my kitchen after a big party. You know, cigarette butts in the carpet and dirty dishes in the sink. It's too busy tryng to straighten up after the miscarriage to know what to do next. I hate that feeling. It will be nice to get back to a normal period again and have everything all tidy.

We visited Seb's parents who by way of our big mouths early on knew about the miscarriage. They really acted strange with us, not talking about much really other than the weather and small talk. I can't explain it but they just seemed so awkward. I just felt like there was this giant elephant in the middle of the room the whole time. I was alone in the kitchen with Seb's mom a few times and she said NOTHING. Finally I stopped trying to fill in the conversation gaps and then it got really silent. It was like I became invisible over the weekend.

And of course I was drinking a lot of wine because I wasn't worried about being all prudish, just concerned really with drowning some sorrows and getting even with my body for making me be so "perfect" when I was pregnant. Of course to his family two glasses constitutes abuse so I look like a real floozie with my double and yes, triple glasses. The women in his family almost always say no to more than their usual polite half a glass. I'm sure his mother was thinking "no wonder she has miscarriages with all that alcohol abuse!" Well, it couldn't be helped. Seb's father who never has any good wine on the table actually pulled out a dusty bottle of 1996 Puilly Fumé. My eyes lit up, "where did THAT come from!" He and the rest treated it like any other 2 euro bottle but I drank three glasses very quickly (so as to get the majority of the bottle for myself!) This probably didn't help my image much but I had a very enjoyable bottle practically to myself.

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Okay right...so where's my credit card?

Excuse me while I go on a tirade. Because I've been googling too much lately I came across this annoying site that immediately made me click off. Then I went back because I was so angry. Then I said okay wench you're in my blog and there will be no glowing light shining on you!

You see, maybe you hadn't heard but Carol Andrews, an Australian mom claims that she's stumbled across a miracle secret for getting pregnant after years of fertility problems. The cure? Whop out that credit card and you can download the Miracle Secret for just $29.95 . Okay this is the sort of stuff that just raises the hair on the back of my neck. She's not a doctor, not a specialist, not a scientist, not any sort of anyone really. She just surfed the internet a lot like we all do, looking for reasons why nothing is working. She found some interesting information (I've got lots of that in my sidebars here) blah blah blah, relaxed, got pregnant and now she wants to prey on your insecurities about not getting pregnant. The woman is the lowest form of bacteria on the planet, a charletain in apparently now 'fertile' sheeps clothing. "oh yes, I'm just like you, only with more cash flow now,...won't you please TRUST me?"

She has lots of misinformation and a cluttered arrangement of facts in her little story:

"We even took the phase of the moon into account as I'd discovered something called the “biorhythmic lunar cycle”, in which research seemed to show that a woman is at her most fertile during her lunar peak, ie at the same phase of the moon that was present at her birth!!"

From my understanding it's a theory that a woman may ovulate again during a lunar peak not that she's the most fertile. Not quite right Carol.

"So Lindsay had his sperm count tested. I had an ultrasound and some blood tests to check for endometriosis or other physical problems, as well as hormonal or other physiological causes."

Umm, okay quick ultrasound to check for everything? Didn't she have an hsg to check for problems? What can an ultrasound tell you? Not much that's what. Maybe that was her problem from day one. The lady has NO idea what's going on with her body. This pisses me off worse than the fact that she's hawking something to innocent women.

"I'd been putting off going to the OB-GYN for fear of what I'd be told. I had a good friend who'd been going through ivf (unsuccessfully) and the thought of going through the same thing terrified me."

Uh, Carol dear...HELLO it's a REPRO-DUC-TIVE ENDO-CRINOLO-GIST that your dear friend was probably very diligently visiting. You went five years without getting pregnant and never saw an RE? I think I see your problem. Failure to FULLY delve into the problem at hand. tsk-tsk. Oh and just for the record it is terrifying going through ivf, especially unsucessfully. Maybe you should be thinking about that as you continue to PROFIT daily from the people you're selling all this miracle information to. Grrrr!

Here's the real crap. People like me have obviously written scathing letters to her telling her what a low grade theif she is. She responds in her FAQ file with this:

"Firstly, the simple fact is if I did not charge any money for the book no one would get access to the information, as I could not afford the cost of running the website"

Aren't lots of websites these days FREE. You can even get advertisers to help you cover costs for the better sites, right? It's only innocent fools who would believe such a barefaced lie. And what are her costs really? Come off of it.

"I would think that $29 is a very small cost for information on how to have a child. I think that most people would feel that this is a fair exchange as well. Most people are not upset when the doctor charges them for a consultation, or when a store owner changes them for food when they are hungry."

I think the key word here is DOCTOR, as in a person with an education. I just don't get the store owner thing but the hunger analogy has me guessing she'd be the one in India selling bread and bottled water to earthquake victims.

"I spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours to gather the information in the book. To give all of this for just $29 is surely worth it."

Thousands? Really, come on. THOUSANDS? I don't think so. Prove it. And since when you should you get paid for surfing the internet for infertility problems? Hey we'd all be living fat and sassy if that were the case.

I don't know if my mom is right about karma but I know enough about humanity that you don't PROFIT from the problems of others. This is especially true if you yourself have experienced the same level of despair that they've suffered and ultimately (and apparently 'miraculously' in Carol's case) survived. Because it's this line that grabbed me:

"After two years of hope fading to frustration, fading to sadness and emptiness, I knew I had to do something or I would go crazy."

Now that's the only sincere part of her story. I see her as one of the masses of women suffering through IF. I just don't get how someone from the trenches can be so heartless.

Folic acid

From my last pregnancy I know that neural tube defects can be prevented in pregnancy by taking folic acid. I took mine religiously last pregnancy and I'm going to start taking it now since I may potentially get pregnant soon. Not sure if I need a prescription for it here in France, but I found a list of foods that have good quantities of folic acid:

Fortified breakfast cereals such as Total and Product 19
Lentils
Asparagus
Spinach
Black beans
Peanuts (only if you do not have a peanut allergy)
Orange juice (from concentrate is best)
Enriched breads and pasta
Romaine lettuce
Broccoli

I eat those foods quite a lot anyway so I think it's good. But in an effort to manage this next pregnancy well I think I'll start my supplements this week.

Obsessed

I have been reading a little obsessively about miscarriage rates, reasonings, studies and conclusions. My back hurts which is a sure sign that I've been bent over the computer too much googling fertility crap. Anyway, I mentioned to my ob about the fact that maybe I may have a recurrent problem & he of course said "no your statistic seem normal to me," but I can remember lots of times my period was two weeks late and eventually it showed. I couldn't and still can't shake the feeling that something just isn't right somewhere. I would hate to find out that after all of this time wasted it's a simple matter of implantation and we've been losing pregnancies right and left since day one for NO REASON.

I know that three losses over five years is not enormous, but what worries me is this has happened in every noted pregnancy I've had. What about the ones I didn't note simply because I wasn't aware that I was even pregnant. That's what worries me and keeps me googling.

Seb and I have decided to try naturally until the IVF comes around in January or February. If I get lucky and get pregnant again I think I'll do a few things differently. I'll definitely get a beta immediately, followed by another and another. I'd like to be sure that I have a good strong number that's rising steadily from the get go. I'll also start taking a low dose of aspirin to help with blood flow in case this is all something as simple as a clotting disorder. I'll also ask my doctor to run a check on my progesterone levels. I took progesterone the entire first trimester with Seann and I have to wonder if it sustained the pregnancy. Another thing I've read is to take folic acid early on.