Looks

I can't complain too much because Blogger is free but what's up with the crappy templates? Can't they come up with some better styles? Maybe some more interesting styles?

I'm a little frustrated with the lack of decent working templates too. This is my third one. The first template 'thisawayrose' kept sliding my links down to the bottom of the page. The last one 'snapshot' kept having crazy lines running through it. A bit like getting bad television reception. Okay here is number three. Lets hope it works because I'm running out of choices.

*And I just noticed that this new template is one which doesn't put the spaces after a period. I can't win.

On our way

After a little confusion about the availability of Dr. Stonhenge, --his secretary got to hear my pathetic sobbing "he told me he'd be there...," -- I've started the injections for the IUI.

You won't hear any more complaints from me for the next few weeks. I'm playing Miss Positive Thinker from here on out. I know, I know you wanna whack me upside the head don't you. Positive people are assholes. I hate them too. I just can't stand staying negative during a treatment. I force myself be positive. It helps me stay reasonably sane even if I don't believe it.

My next appointment is Monday the 2nd of January. We'll take a look under the hood and see what's happening. After that we'll either tweak the meds or trigger the egg either that night or the next night. Then we just have to coordinate Seb's little contribution. Same old drill except I forgot how wonderfully rapid an IUI can be.

Meanwhile excuse me while I go 'click' my injection. These little injection pens are great. I'm only doing 75IU's of Gonal F so the injections really feel like nothing. It wasn't like that when I did my IVF's. I had to mix two meds together and change the dosage after a few weeks. This is so much easier and so much less mess.

I just hope it's working...

Sympathy

Finally a scrap of good news. Dr.'Henge said we could go ahead with the IUI this next cycle *rolling eyes* Yes, he really did roll his eyes, A LOT actually! Everytime he said IUI he sighed, shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes. He said there was nothing he could do though because Dr. Dieu is, well Dr. Dieu and that's that. Dr. Dieu has the final word in this case. I just wanted to run over and bear hug him! Just the fact that he sympathizes with me for the In Utile Insemination made me feel better. He said we'd try to get away with just doing three, not four, and that we'd do them "bang, bang, swish" and then we'd move on to IVF no later than May. I felt a small sense of relief that he was taking a special interest in my case, and that he wasn't willing to drag it out past late Spring. I know that in France anything scheduled for later than May gets trapped in the Great Summer Exodous and nothing really gets done until the rentrée in the Fall. As I left he threw in a sympa, "I'm available for you anytime you need something," and he actually didn't charge me for the visit! Goodness me. Dr. Stonehenge you rock!

Seb came with me and had lots of questions. He always has lots of questions *sigh* Here's just a sample of three he asked to give you an idea:

When will I have to wank?
Will I be able to wank in *blank* town's clinic or will I have to go to *blank* town's clinic?
Do I have to give another wanking sample before the actual wank?

You know, lots of questions like that, but nothing about the wife's emotional fragility, statistical data or potential harmful aspects of several healthy doses of Gonal F. To his credit he used to ask these questions but I think we've both become tired and we kind of just want to know where we're supposed to be and when. I guess I'm sort of the same way, only now I'm such an expert that I can quickly calculate which day I'll have the transfer and which day Seb will have to wank. While Dr. 'Henge had trouble giving him a date, I quickly said January 8-12 as a ballpark figure.

As we were chatting with Dr.'Henge Seb discovered that my period would arrive with the Christmas tidings. This really isn't a problem for me or Dr. 'Henge since I won't start treatment until the second or third day after my period starts and I don't really have to worry about being home right away. I have this lovely three day window after my period, enough time for a scan and some drug shopping and a tea. But as we were leaving Seb said, "maybe we should just stay here for Christmas." And I said "No, your parents are expecting us. I don't think we should disappoint them." And he kept saying "no, no I think we need to relax. I think we need some time to focus on us." And then suddenly there was another man I wanted to jump on and bear hug, and I actually did. So we've decided that we'll stay here for the holidays and we stopped on the way home and bought a five euro Christmas tree. Yep, five euros. It's a little lopsided but it was the best of the five euros lot.

Another reason we're staying here is because of the move. I haven't announced this officially so all my lurking friends WHO NEVER POST COMMENTS will now call me screaming, "you put this in your BLOG and I get to read about it there and you don't even call me...," but yes, it's true and yes you read it here first. We're not sure about any of the logistics yet, and Seb of course was asking all those wanking questions because he does need to know how on earth he'll get here and there for samples. Baby S and I will most likely stay here and consider this our home base, especially during the weeks leading up to the transfer when I'll have to be doing all the scans. But, Seb is being put up in style for the first few months in a three bedroom house with a little patio and garden, so we may get more comfortable there and decide to change our basecamp to a place with a warm shower. It might just be too tempting.

My temps seem to be dropping and I'm cramping so things are looking ominous for this cycle. I don't expect to make it to Christmas eve, let alone Friday. I'm just hoping for the weekend so that it doesn't mess with our plan. Because you know now we got us a plan now!

Christmas presents from The Grinch

I got a wonderful Christmas present from Dr. Stonehenge on Friday in the form of an appointment with him for this week, his busiest period. His secretary must have heard the desperation in my voice, or maybe it was the incessant calling last week to see if she had a cancellation. She finally dug up some space in her book, squeezing me in between no doubt two very pregnant patients. So tomorrow afternoon I'll have my rapid fire chat with the geekily handsome but very petite Dr.'Henge about the next big step, the IUI. I'm sure the conversation will terminate with the standard "call when you get your next period" schpiel. But it's the first positive news I've had in so many weeks and I'm taking it and gnawing on it like the table scrap that it is. This hungry dog's ribs are starting to show.

We had a nice weekend celebrating Christmas with a few neighbors in front of our newly installed fireplace. Guilt and obsession combined told me to abstain from bad things like foie gras, certain cheeses and of course alcohol, but my long standing demonic hatred for abstention for conception purposes won out and I celebrated the holiday festivities guilt free with a glass of champagne in hand (a glass or...uh maybe two that is). I woke up to a small headache, a lot of guilt and a massive temperature dip. Today it's all straightened out and looking upwards again. Who knew alcohol could reek such havoc on a bbt?

The rest of my cycle will play out at my mother-in-law's house over the holiday weekend. The idea of not having access to my chart to obsess over leaves me in a slight state of panic. The thought of receiving my period on Christmas Eve (very cruel) leaves me thinking that there really is an Infertility Grinch cavorting about at this time of year spreading 'stanky-stunk' Christmas cheer. Let's hope he doesn't make it to my in-laws. They no longer have a fireplace since they moved last month and I think this might be a good sign; no passageway for the Grinch. But, maybe his two sizes too small heart will find me a few days after Christmas as I sit curled up in front of our new fireplace at home. Let's just hope he stays up in the mountains where he belongs and leaves me to enjoy the ultimate gift.

Dream one

It's a very hot day, I'd say about 110 degrees outside and my lips are cracked they're so parched. I'd like to get in the shade but I look down and see that my feet are cemented to the ground. Off in the distance there's a lemonade stand with fresh icy lemonade being prepared by two adorable little girls in blue crushed velvet dresses with white pinafore collars. I watch them prepare the first batch, first cutting the fat, juicy lemons, then adding a half cup of sugar, and some cold water. They shake the mixture in a metal canister full of ice, giggling all the while. They keep beckoning for me to come to them to get the lemonade but my legs are stuck, all the way to my shins. I'm really thirsty. Why don't they just bring me the lemonade! I pull a few coins from my pocket and toss them to the girls, and finally one of them comes over, gingerly holding a sweaty glass of citrus heaven in both of her little hands. She sets the glass at my feet and then skips away back to her stand. I lick my lips in anticipation of that first sip. I'm so relieved. Finally some satisfaction. I bend down to pick the glass up, but as do I realize that it's just out of reach. My legs are cemented too high to bend enough to reach it. "Uh hey, little girl, little girl over here! Hey you! Hey..." I try to get it again, bending really low and stretching my fingers, but it's really just out of reach. I try to get their attention again but the two girls are suddenly swamped with customers and can barely make the lemonade fast enough to serve everyone.

Meanwhile I watch all the customers off in the distance enjoying their lemonade, chatting and laughing. They're complaining about the weather and about how hot it is, but hey how can they complain. They have their lemonade! They're drinking their lemonade! They have no idea what it means to be so hot and thirsty!

Meanwhile my glass sits at my feet just out of reach, the ice has long since melted and there's a wet spot on the pavement from the condensation. My legs are tired. I'm frustrated and all I want now is to get my feet out of the cement and sit down. Forget the lemonade I just need to rest.

IUI: it's usually inutile, no really

I'm trying to stay an optimist about the next few months even though it's almost impossible to not think back to all those awful IUI trials. I really hated that period of my treatment; a real low point in my life. Whenever I think back to that time I get very angry and sad thinking of all the time wasted with an RE who refused to refer us for IVF until we'd completed all five IUI cycles, even though Seb had terrible motility and a less than stellar count ... awww, I still love you honey, dont worry

The IUI's were physically very painful because the doctor always used a small clamp to open my cervix and this usually resulted in a 40 minute bloodbath and hours and hours of cramps. I don't know why but she found this, in her words "perfectly normal" that the whole event was a torturous pit that I fell into each few months. She also dubbed me the 'impatient patient' because of my distate for the whole IUI process and it's useless waste of time and energy. I was eager to move on to IVF so the whole ordeal could be done in a more sophisticated scientific fashion instead of with tools and methods adapted from Stonhenge.

Maybe this time it won't be so painful. Maybe the RE was just an incompetent ho. Perhaps it was the negative vibes emitting from my ovaries or my refusal to believe in fuzzy positive thoughts. Maybe this time I'll leave the ob's office with hope instead of a wad of paper towels between my legs. One can dream.

The other sucky thing is that we may still be moving. This "should we or shouldn't we move to Lyon" thing has been going on for about two months now. Seb and I decided last week that he definitely should go and we'd be much better off financially and blah, blah, blah. And I added, "yeah and Dr. Dieu is like right around the corner, so no more overnight trips to go to the hospital for IVF procedures, cool!" Umm, except that I'm not his patient anymore as of Friday afternoon. Oops. If we still decide to move I have to find a new ob who will do the IUI's and that's going to take a few months at least. We may not even move to Lyon now because the idea of finding a new doctor gives me the heebies. These fertility specialists are a funny lot. Some are horror stories in their own right, demoralizing and accusatory. I hate to be negative and say that we won't find a good doctor, but a good doctor, and by 'good' I mean caring and motivated to see you have success despite your age or reserve, well, it just isn't the norm it's the exception.

Meanwhile I ovulated this cycle a little earlier than last cycle. I looked back over my temps for last cycle and saw that the temp that determined my ovulation day was taken when I was travelling and had gotten up very early. I tried discarding it and it gave me an O day of two days earlier. This time around I was eyeing the calendar instead of my signs, deciding that we'd hit the last four days before O like bandits. Well, that was just plain stupid. O came and went without my even noticing she was here, until she'd gone of course, tarty wench. Luckily we'd started trying on day 10, nice and early. I really hate Seb's job, and they're to blame if this cycle is bust. He had his monthly Thursday night meeting with the night crew the day before O! He was really tired the next morning, too tired for bd and then crashed early the next night to catch up on his rest. Wouldn't you know! Arrrg!!!.

It ain't over until...well about 10 days from now. Meanwhile excuse me while I go and scrub my skin free of all this greasy HOPE oozing out of my pores. I really have to get some good strong prescription gel cleanser for this. It's getting annoying.

Say it ain't so ...

I got a call from Dr. Dieu himself this morning. I found it very strange that he'd be calling me himself. Very strange.

dieu: So how's the little tyke these days?

me: Fine doctor, doing very well thanks... just get on with it will you...

dieu: ::cheerily:: So you had a spontaneous pregnancy?

me: Yes, that ended in a miscarriage.

dieu: ...but a spontaneous pregnancy just the same

yes: umm yes ...where is this leading?

dieu: So this is some good news then! why the fuck is this good news please tell me? Here's what we're going to do, we're going to try a few inuterine inseminations first and see how that goes. Your local OB can handle them. All very straightforward. Simple stuff.

me: not sure if I heard that correctly Do you mean IUI's?

dieu: Yep, IUI's.

me: Yes but doctor I did five IUI's and it never worked. It took over two years of my life. It was very frustrating. I really think...

dieu: ...oh it works more often than you think. Maybe you were just on the wrong side of the odds. We'll try it again and see.

me: But it's really more of a time issue these days. I'll be 38 years old in March and I think that I need to ...

dieu: Honestly, I can't recommend you for an IVF until you do at least four rounds of IUI.

me: FOUR rounds!?

dieu: It will go quickly and if it doesn't work we'll go straight to the IVF.

me: :speechless:

dieu: We have patient's who are still trying to get their first baby Madame. With your spontaneous pregnancy I can't say I can recommend you for IVF. It will go quickly, don't worry you'll be holding that baby before you know it.

Fuck. I've just been dumped by my RE. All because I got pregnant and lost a baby after over six months of trying. If I could have imagined a worse case scenario it would not have even been this awful.

* I just called the secretary of my ob who says that my ob will not be seeing any patients until after January first. When I tried to explain to her that I was not a newly pregnant patient, but that I was preparing for (an utterly useless) fertility treatment (that should be happening SOON damnitt to hell), she said "I'm sorry madame there are NO exceptions!"

I think the universe has just turned wrong side out and upside down. Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?

Optimistic response...yay I suppose

I finally got through today, whew! Only three thousand phone calls. Maybe she was on vacation, or possibly on strike. It's usually one or the other here in France. Who the hell knows or cares. The most important thing is that Nurse Dieu finally picked up her #@[!|* phone and she was actually very nice. I told her my long, sad story and she made some notes. And, well she seemed to think that I could start treatment on my very next cycle! The holiday cycle! I explained that I was going to be getting my next period on Christmas Eve and wouldn't that be a problem because they're closed for two weeks? I can never remember the word for day before Christmas in french, 'reveillon' so I stumbled around and said "uh...uh...the day before Christmas" which sounded kind of retarded when translated...like I didn't know what time of the year it was, let alone my cycle own day. But, she didn't think that would be a problem at all. You see they're closed for procedures for the holiday period but my actual retreival wouldn't be until mid January. I'd just be doing injections over the holidays. Lovely imagery...injections over the holidays...Anyway, she is supposed to check with Dr. Dieu and get back with me today.

I suddenly had terribly mixed feeling about ttc this cycle. What if I get yet another bum pregnancy? But isn't that awful to wish I wouldn't get pregnant this cycle? I was feeling so optimistic too. I suppose I have no choice at this point than to give this cycle everything I can. Sort of close my eyes and and jump off the cliff of hope, hold your nose point your toes. If I didn't I'd feel like an idiot, especially if there's a snafu in the IVF cycle, like overstimming or not enough follicules or something. It's not like that never happens. Then I'd be even more depressed because I stopped a perfectly good natural cycle for a crappy IVF. Because as you are well aware our store's my personal motto is: :points to sign: "We Will Not Let Any Cycle Be Wasted!" (...or your money back)

My little psychosis. Ain't it cute? I may end up with about 5 kids by the time I'm 45. Everyone will whisper, "Hey you know she thought she was infertile! She actually used to have a blog about it." But wouldn't that be poetic justice. And I've always wanted to name my imaginary stairstep children with matching first letters; Selina, Shelby, Sherbert, Shreve, and Sheldon; and make elaborate, little, matching holiday outfits for them in blue crushed velvet, ohhh, just the name alone makes me shiver...

Back down Mrs. Duggar, you don't have the corner on the baby making market just yet. And I might just be craftier than you with a Singer!*


*Why on earth does she make those pinafore collars so huge?

Helloooooo is anyone there?

I wasted two hours and forty five minute of my life trying to call the nurse at my RE's office yesterday.

me: dial dial dial dial dial
them: ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ....*

*repeat repeatedly and then repeat again

My RE works out of a huge hospital in Lyon and his staff is notoriously impossible to get on the phone. His secretary's office takes about a week to get through to. I'm not joking. First the line will be busy for hours, days even. Then after you've redialed about a jillion times, you will be put on hold for at least 45 minutes. This is the exciting part because you know you're in now, you're on hold . But as is often the case, after about twenty minutes you will get cut off for some mysterious reason; coffee break perhaps? I have only been in the secretary's offices one time and I had to wait in a line of about six people to see someone. Apparently their job is not just answering the phone but also fielding questions of all sort in person and handing off prescription paperwork.

However, this is no longer a problem for me. Since I'm a patient now who will be undergoing treatment I have a special private number I can call. The nurse hotline. She's available between certain specific hours for patient's questions regarding current treatment. You can only call her for questions if you're a patient on the verge of doing your IVF, period. No more waiting on hold! Lovely. But now get this--she never, ever answers her friggin' phone! She used to answer her phone, albeit after about 20 minutes of busy signals. I know because I called her just last month. So yesterday after one week of ringing, in frustration I actually resorted to calling the secretary instead, and when I finally got through she gave me the NURSE'S NUMBER...Argggggh!

Socialized medicine is lovely but get in line sistah! I'm so tired of not having access to this doctor. I'm so very tired of not getting detailed explanations and having to look things up on the internet. And I'm so tired of waiting.

I am so angry that I miscarried. Honestly it would have been so much easier to have never have become pregnant and to have started the meds when my period ended. Instead here I am back to square one. I'm sure the nurse will suggest that we come in again and consult with the RE. A two and a half hour drive. Ten minutes with Dr. Dieu, consisting mainly of his reflections about US politics and Florida vacation spots, and then we'll be back on track to waiting for my next period. It does feel like a vicious circle.

I know I probably have no right to complain about my free treatment. No right whatsoever. And I'm eternally grateful for it. But, it feels a bit like not having the right to complain about infertility after you already have one beautiful kid. Or how about not having the right to complain about the hardships of motherhood because you know others don't even have one kid, you know because you stood right next to them. And yet it can't all be kept inside. This is my disclaimer to complain.

But hey, hold on a minute. Maybe this next cycle will result in a natural pregnancy! A real keeper this time around. Maybe I will be able to look back at this diary entry in a few months time and say tsk, tsk, tsk because my belly will be out further than I could have imagined and I'll roll my eyes and say, "Oh look how silly and obsessed I was. Oh my god!" And I'll laugh at myself worrying about a nurse who doesn't answer her phone. My mind will go dreamy and I'll lazily switch over to thinking of my new pregnancy, "oh heck that kind of reminds me of my new ob's office. I mean gee I can hardly ever get in for my scans on time because I can never get through to Dr. Handsome's secretary. And that gel really tickles my stomach ..." and I'll be so into the pregnancy mode that I won't care about anything to do with infertility. And I probably won't even remember this poor, obsessed soul who ranted over her morning coffee about a missing nurse.

The selfish pregnant lady. Oh god I hate her.

A visit to the pharmacy pt. II

This visit to the pharmacy went much better. I passed several pharmacies in the center of town before finding one that looked promising. In other words it was filled with women. In fact it was filled with only women, the clients as well as cashiers, about 15 people loitering around discussing their problems with a caring femme manning every register. A Wiccan pharmacy perhaps? A good sign.

My instincts were right because the owner was a woman, and she seemed very interested in helping me discover an herbal formula for ttc. I wrote down several herbs in english on a paper; yam root, red clover and red rasberry leaf, and she told me she would research it over the weekend, translate it if possible and that I should return on Monday for her results. Wow.

I've never had such help in my normal pharmacy around the corner. So, I'd say I have a new pharmacy now! I'm not sure why but for some reason here in France you stay loyal to one pharmacy and that's that. It's the same for the boulangeries, butchers and flourists. I however have no qualms about leaving my farty, old pharmacy where they keep asking me for my coordinates, even though I've spent more time in there than in my own bathroom at home. And when I tell them "I'm in the computer, or at least I should be by now!" they always say, "maybe it's because you are étranger," Which is all very ridiculous. They simply never bothered to reserve me in their system because hearing my accent they automatically deleted me from their files thinking I'm a tourist. It took two IVFs to get my name in their system! That's about 10,000 euros worth of fertility drugs, bastards! They've made a fortune off of me. And besides they always rush me out when I'm there. I really have no qualms about leaving them behind for "La Pharmacie des Femmes".

In other news I got some folic acid, B6 and 100 mg of baby aspirin. I still haven't quit caffine in the morning. It's more of a vice than I thought it was. At least I have something to blame if this cycle doesn't work.