The power of dieu's blue eyes

Dr. Dieu: So Misschris how are you feeling, honestly after the last failure?

Me: Ummm...seemingly uncaring doctor is asking about my feelings ...must not seem surprised and above all must not respond in woman-who-recently-hid-under table-manner...ummm...

Seb: butting in...
She's not been taking it so well Dr. Dieu. She's been hiding under the table...a lot actually (okay so he didn't say that but he may as well have, jeeez)

Me: glaring at Seb with gritted teeth Yes Dr. Dieu it's been pretty difficult. I'll admit that it's been hard. I had a difficult time. (do NOT go into details...do NOT go into details...warning call...warning call...going into details will cause the system to crash and tears will immediately be released...WARNING generalize at all costs)

Dr. Dieu: Yes it's always hard when the second one doesn't work. You start to question the whole process after the second failure. I see it with every patient who fails the second time. You shouldn't feel alone. Sometimes it's just a question of having the strength to continue. It's not everyone who can do this even once.

Me: staring into doctor Dieu's eyes, hypnotised. Hmmm...he has very interesting blue eyes. Incredibly clear. Maybe he has a point. Isn't it supposed to be easier to believe people with blue eyes? Wait maybe this is all a sham!

Dr. Dieu: picks up phone Damnnit I TOLD them I want it TODAY!! What is wrong with you people!! hangs up phone ARGHHH! Those people are such idiots! stares back at me Now where were we? Oh don't worry. You have a good profile. You just have to hang in there. Are you feeling okay? Do you feel like you want to go on?

Our twenty minutes with Dieu. The gentle tone. The pep talk stance. The thrashing of his office personnel in front of us. And the briefest of brief explanation of how the FET will work. It was over before I could blink.

I left his office with a little bit of hope, a little more respect for his humble stab at humanity and a little less respect for the upcoming FET which he described as having a 20 percent chance of working IF the embryos even survive thaw. In other words treat it like a prize at the bottom of a cereal box. It's not a real toy. It might be good but don't expect it to be much more than something strung together with rubber bands. Get prepared to do IVF number three.

We talked about IVF three as if it were a certainty. We did everything but get the paperwork for it. Bah humbug.

The FET will begin at the end of next month. Dieu said if I were to start my upcoming period next week I could start the FET treatment now, but having it come this week would throw me into the holiday season and wreck the planning. As luck would have it I started my period last night, phooey. That blew any treatment plans out with the January wind. In a way I guess it's good. I'm at least going to be able to spend the first New Years in four years with the liberty to eat and drink whatever I want. I felt like it was my body's way of saying "hey lady we could use a freaking vacation you know!" Okay, okay I get the message!*

*my friend dee will be happy to read this

FET here we come

I have my appointment with Dr. Dieu tomorrow to discuss the upcoming FET. Since I've never had any frozens in the past this is all new territory to me. I'm not really sure what to expect. All that I do know is that it's much easier than a regular IVF.

Part of me is kind of hoping that we won't start the treatment until January but I think we'll end up doing it now. Another alcohol free New Years, sigh. And if there ever was a New Years I really need to let loose it would be this one. I'm so ready to forget about our house, the move, the medicine, the IVF, my mother in law, my husband's job...all of it! I need a break!

Oh well wish me and my little embryos *merde. I need some merde.

*merde is how you say good luck in French

The preggers

Is it just me is everyone on the planet suddenly pregnant? It's like it's in the drinking water. Some are great events worthy of a celebration Henry VIII would be proud to attend. For example the fact that my friend L just got pregnant. It's been a really hard haul for her, we're talking several years, so I'm really pleased for her and her husband finally getting there. I won't link her blog because I don't think she's to the part where she wants everyone to know just yet. L though restores my faith that if you are tenacious enough it will eventually happen. You may not be sure how it will happen but it will somehow.

In the realm of normal, everyday people the pregnancy flu is raging! It's been a running joke among the expats here in France how everyone is suddenly expecting and you better be careful because it seems contagious. Like I said it's positively floating in the air here. As if that weren't enough to leave me with a huge question mark over why I'm immune to this disease, I just visited a favorite blog this morning, that of a young, unmarried twenty-something who lives in Paris. I really enjoy her obscure little blog because she's smart and funny and has a really interesting job. Guess what? She just found out she's pregnant. It was an accident and she has been in the realms of trying to decide what to do. I'm not lamenting her being in the awful decision making place she's in, but it is extremely hard to read her words, the words of someone writing about an accidental pregnancy struggling with trying to decide whether or not to keep the baby. I was aghast as I sat there following her saga. I mean it was not the casual morning coffee read I was looking for. Even if I have no qualms about her choices, I am after all staunchly pro-choice, I do get an involuntary ringing sensation in my ears when I read about her reactions. When she writes that she is not really sure what week she's in and that will have to be figured out as she goes on. And when she tells how she was told that the beginning of the pregnancy was supposed to be what she calls "the difficult part of it all," just seeing her call it a "part" and not a "trimester" makes me say ARGH! I have a hard time preventing my brain from exploding with the unfairness of it all. I who am obsessed by beta numbers and all the minute details of getting and keeping a child am just completely bowled over when I am reminded that some people can get there without really even trying, and then they can not even want to be there when it does happen. All I can say is "why can't we just change places?"

Anyway, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, ...okay well maybe a little bit, but I am in shocked amazement. And I will always find accidental pregnancy stories difficult to digest. I'm sorry but I think I have a psychological condition that fires off all these funny neurons making it nearly impossible to not slap my hand to my chest and scream in a shaky voice"Hey universe!! this is not even remotely funny!."


***

Please readers do realize that my adverse reaction to this blogger's pregnancy is just because I am warped not her. I know this, trust me. I'm a basket case when it comes to stuff like this. Plus we all know that she probably has an ovarian reserve I'd give my eye teeth for. So trust me when I say I' m not taking issue with her at all. She is just a normal twenty-something who got pregnant. She's apparently decided to keep the baby which is a very brave choice I think. That somehow makes me feel calmer about it all. You see, infertility is tuning me into a conservative! Ewww...

Because life should never be kept on hold for IVF

In July we're moving to Mexico for Seb's job. It's just for three years. It's not forever. I was scared when he first told me he'd been proposed the job. I had a panic attack. I was in the car with my mother-in-law taking the huge breaths that get me through these moments. She was monitering it all clearly thinking "my son is an ass to stress his wife like this" I felt horrible for her thinking this. I just wanted to be alone until the attack passed. I wanted to deal with my issues alone and she was there passing motherly judgement. It was really horrible.

Seb didn't actually accept the position right away. We had a long discussion about the implications it would have on our trying to have a baby and how it might work if the IVF failed and then he said yes. We calculated ahead that out next two attempts could probably be done by summer. Well that they would have to be done by summer. I mean if the sperm donor is in another country how does that work? I could take time off to stay behind but he couldn't. No, it would all have to be neatly wrapped up by summer.

The IVF failed. Panic attack number two.

Any more attempts than four are paid out of our own pocket. We aren't that far yet but circumstances are forcing us to think ahead to just-in-case scenarios. Mexico for all we know could be as good a place as any to do a fifth attempt. Why not?

I really hate to think of five attempts or six, but if Brooke Sheilds can do seven than surely I can too, right? I mean who is she anyway? If you've ever read Tertia's diary "So Close" and dug through her archives you will be inspired to read that it was on her ninth attempt that she finally succeeded with her twins. Reading her story how can I throw in the towel so easily after so little effort?

I have to admit though that there is an added dimension of stress I hadn't really counted on. It's difficult to think of leaving France without a small bundle tucked away somewhere. I pray that it will happen before we leave. Besides there's the practical side to it. What on earth do I do with the boxes of baby things? Do I sell it all? Take it? That decision alone has to be made soon. Selling it will probably hurt too much. Packing it will hurt too if the four attempts fail. There is no easy answer.

I hadn't thought of all this when we said yes to leaving. It's only just now floating around in my brain.