Salted or unsalted?

In keeping with my promise--margaritas for everyone! The little sushi was remarkably huge and moving a lot. Dr. Stonehenge surprised me by asking me to follow him down the hallway to a room where they have a brand new ultrasound machine. It's a great setup with a huge flat screen monitor of the sort my dorky brother bought to watch Monday Night Football with his drinking buddies. The sushi was ENORMOUS. Then as if that wasn't enough he flipped a switch and turned on the 4D ultrasound and there she was, all multidimensional and alien-like gazing back at me and Little S like "yo dude what'up?" and we were blown away. Then he flipped ANOTHER switch (lots of switches here...some guy set this up I'm sure) and there was the heartbeat in surround sound. "Whoa!" I haven't been that impressed since I bought my first set of Kef speakers from Steve at Sound Advice in Tampa. Needless to say there were tears and smiles and laughter and nervous gibberish which Dr. Stonehenge just overlooked because he's completely immune to feminine gripes and enthusiasm. I'm sure he's covered this in a seminar at some point: "Even if your woman patient is brimming with tears pretend like you have lots of paperwork to study and say nothing. Clear your throat a lot to indicate that she should probably simmer down and stop making a scene."

Okay so it is true. All the really cool stuff is reserved for the pregnant patients. I mean why couldn't I ever stare at my follicles in 4D? Didn't my May 2006 cyst deserve a better looksee? Okay maybe all this isn't possible with a dildo cam but I would have liked to have at least have been offered a big screen Monday Night Football view of Miss Sushi in her very early days. No we were stranded in the hot, smelly, cramped old ultrasound room across from Stonehenge's office constantly being told that it was too late, too early or that there were complications. It would have been nice to at least be invited into the Executive Elite Club just once, don't you think?

ten and a half

We're back from our trip to Mexico, tired and wrung out from jumping time zones, airport layovers and altitude changes...oh yeah and being pregnant.

The morning sickness went away justlikethat but the fatigue has hit me so hard this pregnancy that I'm having a hard time believing it will ever go away. I have noticed that when the fatigue becomes extreme like it was yesterday after travelling I feel very flu-like, feverish, sweaty and nauseous. When mil asked me what I was making for lunch yesterday two hours after we got in I just stared off blankly. "Whatever you want to make" I said finding it hard to believe she thought I was thinking about her stomach the last few hours of my 27 hours stuck on a boeing 767 beside a snoring violinist. I really wish that woman would travel more. We'd told her three times it had been over 24 hours since we'd last slept! But she just stared off in space and started rambling on about roasted chickens and then said "I suppose I could go up in town to the open air market. Are you going to come and help Christine?" I tried hard not to scream loudly and just shoved fifty euros in her palm and said "I need to sleep" and she was happy as a lark because as usual it was all about having to pay for it and not about whether I was willing to help. She skipped off and I suppose bought a chicken I don't know because I fell asleep and slept for five hours straight.

So other than fatigue everything is okay with the baby (we hope). The belly is slightly larger and I have taken to wearing stretchy skirts and lycra influenced tops. I still haven't had the courage to peek into the old box of maternity clothes yet, because that does take courage and lots of confidence and we aren't over that many hurdles yet although nearly ten and a half weeks is a good start. I will have to brave it soon though because yoga pants are a little too "sahm" for me and then it's just one step away from pony tails and no makeup because "hey why bother."

I have a scan on Thursday and I'll get to see the little sushi to see what s/he's doing and how s/he's growing, hopefully healthy and well. I'm really excited to see her* again but the old heart-in-the-throat feeling started on Monday and will not let up. I hope I don't die from anxiety beforehand. I think I might.

I just hope that little heart is still beating. If it is then a round of maragaritas is on the house!

*the her/him thing gets old so I'm just choosing one for now

Stable

I didn't get the nausea medication yet. The vomit roller coaster is on an upward climb and I pray that the little trend continues. It seems that things have improved slightly.

Next week we leave for a little five day vacation to our new home: one week in central Mexico! I had mixed feelings about traveling during the first tri but those only lasted a few hours as soon as I discovered that my in-laws were willing to come here and watch Little S for the entire time we'd be gone. I love him very much don't get me wrong but diplomatically speaking he's making resting and recovering an impossible venture. When I try to sleep he pounds me in the head with stuffed animals and howls in protest. Somehow my resting makes him feel oddly neglected, imagine that. I actually thought to myself that 15 hours of alone time on an airplane, not being dragged around the house by my index finger might be the best thing yet for this pregnancy's early gestation period. And yes okay I'll miss him but I am seriously behind on sleep and you know what happens when air traffic controllers lose sleep so just imagine the mom of a toddler, the two occupations are very similar navigationally speaking. Honey watch out for the buuuuuus!

And hey hotels? Eating out? Adult time? I'm so already there, faux margarita in my right hand.

Now I just have to sort out the wardrobe dilemma. The diagnosis Mad Cow's Disease has just taken on a whole new meaning. I am a sow. One pair of jeans fit. One stinking pair. It's a little too soon for maternity jeans (ugh hate 'em) and all the fat jeans went out with the first failed IVF because I was pissed off and bitter.

I have no regrets there actually. I hated looking at those jeans.

So I suppose I will have to dig through the skirts and dresses and pray that the weather is what I think it will be

...and then pray that the roller coaster stays suspended mid-climb. Beefy bean and cheese enchiladas and morning sickness just don't sound like a very good combination at all.

Did I actually wish for this?

I hate to keep harping on about it but... I am so, so ill. I had no idea pregnancy could be this grueling. I feel like I'm stranded seasick on a boat and there's no land in sight.

Only seven weeks and already complaining

It was in the nail and screw aisle of Leroy Merlin that I started to feel dizzy yesterday. The cold shivers were coming in waves long before that and I wasn't feeling that fabulous the entire morning. I sat down on a nearby pile of lumber, buried my face in my hands and waited for everything to stop spinning. Seb was worried so we left the store and went to the car. "Miss you don't look well at all." (he really does call me Miss...hence the blog name btw)

In the next store I was feeling a little better so I decided not to sit in the car but go in and help Seb out with Little S. An hour later when we left I was positively green with nausea. Where earlier I'd been shivering, now I felt as if someone had stuck me in a sauna. I was fanning my face the entire way home. By the time we pulled in front of the house at home I ran to the bedroom and dove in to the bed. I woke up two hours later in a hazy fog. It was 8:30 and Seb had already fed and bathed Little S and was tucking him in bed. I felt well enough to eat two things and drink an Indian Tonic (good for grumbly stomachs). And I had the shivers again, go figure.

I don't know if this is normal pregnancy stuff or not. I did get really scared in the stores because just before I miscarried in Carrefour three years ago I got very nauseous and flu like just like that. I feel better today though just very, very tired. I hope this is all just side effects of the pregnancy flu.

With Little S I never got sick except of course during the whole overstimulation episode. I took a few naps here and there but the fatigue was nothing like this. And I never felt ill or had any food aversions. With this pregnancy it seems to me that everything tastes slightly off. Everything tastes metallic and odd. I am really attracted to fruits and especially grapefruits but there isn't much else that holds interest for me.

And I'm enormous. It's only 7 weeks 5 days and you'd think I was swallowing those grapefruits whole. I look like I did at 5 months with Little S. It's frightening to think of how big I might actually get.

Keeping the secret, staying discreet

This is all going very slow. I will be at the eight week mark on Sunday, which is for me the danger zone, or the zone where I have miscarried in the past. I'm looking forward to next week, the rapid passing of the days and the incessant worry that goes with them.

I do have symptoms so I suppose I should be able to relax a little. I'm queasy, not nauseous just queasy, thankfully. I have the sore boob thing, so much so that I have to wear those ugly, unsexy jogging bras already and forgo my matching undie sets. I have the metallic metal taste in my mouth and the "ugh that tastes weird" syndrome and the ultra illuminated smell sensors too. I've got it all.

My biggest symptom though is fatigue. I am so tired I would swear someone put sleeping pills in my water bottles. It's funny how you forget how crippling this tiredness can be. I am seriously running on half speed. It's like an engine has been cut and there are red lights and waring horns blowing but still we have to get through the day and somehow function. The tiredness though is so overwhelming that it serves as my daily check mark that everything is going well.

I talked with my fil this weekend and he of course was making a big fuss about how happy we must be. I kept saying "yes but..." and he kept asking questions like "did I want a girl or a boy" or "did I think I'd have the baby here or in Mexico" and "oh boy we'd have to go out and buy pink furniture now and Little S would be jealous!" question after question which had me glaring at Seb through gritted teeth. I finally said to him "look I can't get excited yet. We only told a few people for a reason." and he said "Oh bon?" which is his way of saying "holy shit don't have a cow about it." And I could tell by that "oh bon?" statement that he's already told all the aunts and uncles and I felt so angry that I said "okay Seb wants to talk to you" and passed off the phone. Maybe I'm being sensitive but personally I have only told my mother and not the rest of my family yet. My mother has said nothing to me about the pregnancy at all since the beta and she knows I will give her little updates and then we'll shut up about it. That's why I told her. I knew she wouldn't go on and on about it. Besides that she was here for the whole beta saga so there really wasn't a choice. She had to be told. Fil did not have to be told. And while we're on the subject fil has got to be stopped before I kill him.

In fact father-in-law's denseness about such matters got me thinking. Some people just don't know. So here's a small guideline I've come up with for how to treat a pregnant friend who had a past miscarriage or a pregnancy loss. It isn't easy to know what to say or how to react:

1. They won't feel comfortable with the pregnancy until after the destination mark (ie the mark where the most progressive miscarriage took place) For me that's about 8 weeks but for my friend A it's 16 weeks. Everyone who has ever lost a pregnancy has their personal "whew" milestone.

2. They won't be jumping up and down for a good long time. Sometimes they may spontaneously talk about the pregnancy though but let them decide. Let them be the ones to suggest baby shopping. They're naturally happy about the pregnancy but afraid to show it because afterwards they may have to relive all those moments.

3. They'll be completely shell shocked before each ultrasound no matter what the stage of the pregnancy.

4. If the person is over 35 then the getting past the 20 week scan is a huge milestone and they may not even accept the pregnancy until that mark.

5. Years of infertility can turn someone into a complete pessimist. It may take several scans before the person goes out and buys any baby items. They may not feel like talking about the pregnancy for quite a while. I was such a pessimist with ds that I didn't buy anything until the fifth month and it wasn't until the ninth month that I set up the room. I never bought a car seat or stroller or anything until he was already here and safe in my arms. It wasn't a conscious decision, but I think in the back of my mind I was horrified at the thought of having to deal with all those things if I lost him. Infertility really fucks with your mind. You become conditioned to expect the worst.

The International Infertility Film Festival

The International Infertility Film Festival was a shout out for short films on the subject of infertility or pregnancy loss. You didn't have to be a professional to submit anything and they even gave you some tips for making videos. It's a fabulous idea and I hope they do it again.

You can see the entries by clicking the link (mine too btw!). Oh and be prepared to laugh out loud and cry a little. Well, a lot actually. Maybe it's just all these raging hormones I'm dealing with right now but some of these were hard to watch.