Leftover kindness

Something weird is happening. The secretary in Dr. Stonehenge's office has started bantering with me. She'll say things like "so is everything going well?" or "what are you now, four months along?" just as I'm scribbling out my check. Last time she asked me if I was happy about the turn of events and then went on to ask me how long I'd been cycling before I got pregnant even though I know she knows. I mean she knows. She has my files right there and she knows me by now. But it was almost like she wanted to hear it first hand because she seems so genuinely interested in co-basking in the glory that is pregnant me. Before she always kind of snarled at me and cut me off mid sentence on the telephone when I told her my cycle day; "yes, yes we know you're cycling...again" And before she never liked giving me Saturday appointments. Now she interrupts the doctor on a little intercom I never even knew she had and asks him if it's okay on my behalf.

I feel a little odd about all this new attention. Dr. Stonehenge actually smiles at me now. This friendly secretary shares in my good news. People there like me again and whereas before I felt like the punchline to a deeply unfunny joke (as Julie so eloquently puts it), now I am The Success Story.

Odd. I don't need the attention now. I don't care about it. I needed it several months ago but now it's just a bunch of icing on an elaborately overdecorated cake.

I wish I could leave bottles of all this extra kindness --at the counter top of the reception desk, in the waiting room, by the old ultrasound machine, --for all the people coming in for scans to see how big a follicle had grown, if it had grown at all or if it was once again all another bust.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Leaping lizards

Last week I stuffed my foot into my crumbling, old, falling-to-pieces slippers and a strange lump in them aggravated me. I picked up the left one and stuck my hand in to straighten out the crinkle. "These old things are so lumpy and crappy. I'll have to throw these out and get some new.....AHHHHHH!" And suddenly a creature jumped from inside the slipper onto my shirt. I didn't have my glasses on yet so I couldn't tell if it was a spider or a lizard or what, but it was heavy. It was a lizard, a forlorn tailless guy who when swatted from my shirt, scurried under a cabinet in the kitchen and hid. It was the creepiest feeling I've had in weeks. A cold shiver ran through me for over an hour.

Feelings...it's what makes us human right? The ability to feel extreme emotion.

Yesterday's ultrasound was on that same wavelength, the same emotional caliber as the lizard attack. Like some kind of weird progesterone influenced dream we were all there, Dr. Stonehenge, Seb and Little S and me, all of us staring at the giant, Monday Night Football ultrasound screen in 4D as Stonehenge asked "do you want to know the sex?" A very pregnant pause followed, most likely having to do with the realization that this moment would repeat itself in our minds the rest of our lives. The completion of our family. The closing of the circle.

He pointed to the screen "Well it's a girl" he said pointing to the triple stripe of the labia, explaining how girl parts form and how with such new technology there could be little doubt.

And so we now know exactly what a lottery winner feels like five seconds after the last winning number is announced. And we walked around with stupid smiles on our face the rest of the day, even though it was pouring down rain and the sky was filled with awful black clouds and thunder that shook the house.

A lizard in my slipper indeed.

Pink

I have my monthly appointment tomorrow morning with Dr. Stonehenge and hopefully we'll get to have a look at Miss Sushi and see just how much she's grown. The anxiety before these appointments is horrid and I just try to put them out of my mind, which I'm pretty good at. The amount of relief upon hearing that everything is okay each time is like a soldier being told that "the war is over...you can go home" I keep waiting for a bomb to drop.

My mom says "oh no you have to think good thoughts, pink thoughts honey" Moms is new age so it's all about energy and chakras and the like,--her sometimes annoying philosophy but one we've kids have haddrilled into us our whole lives. In spite of her warnings the black clouds are always sitting on the horizon and I can't eliminate them. They won't go away and I just don't get it.

This is probably why I wrote that last post about feeling guilty and all those recent posts about the amniocentesis. I just don't feel comfortable with this pregnancy yet. I can't get into pregnancy talk with other expecting moms on the playground. I skirt talking about this pregnancy and talk about pregnancy by realting to my first pregnancy. I haven't bought any maternity clothes even though nothing fits anymore. I almost pretend I am not pregnant.

And I've thrown away so much baby stuff lately it's almost weird. I've given away almost everything to charity in the past month. I tell myself it's because we're moving, but deep inside of me it makes me feel relieved to get rid of all this stuff. I have no idea why but I feel like it's bad luck to have it around.

I am trying to think pink thoughts mom. I really am but it's hard to wrap my head around it. I have no idea why.

The annoying pregnancy blog syndrome

Everything seems to be smooth sailing lately. I'm 13 weeks and the baby is fluttering a lot, meaning twice a day or so, reassuring let me tell you, and I am feeling much better physically. I have energy and I am taking advantage of it by cleaning and packing for Mexico.

Okay I have to admit I'm not sure whether posting pregnancy photos on a ttc blog is appropriate. In fact I question whether or not it's even appropriate to talk about pregnancy on such a blog or complain about morning sickness, tiredness and the like. Even though it's probably 90 percent friends and family reading this blog, the other 10 percent seems to be the anonymous stranger (some who have left kind comments in the past) and some who may have hurt feelings (I know...I've been there, clicking off many an annoying pregnancy blog faster than lightning to protect myself)

This blog was started simply as an outlet for me until I could get pregnant (which I was sure would happen fast). I honestly thought it would rapidly turn in to a real pregnancy blog, complete with nursery photos and belly shots *groan* and one of those "how many days left tickers, " ...the works. But as fate would have it I didn't get pregnant very fast at all and fell in to some pits, putting me right back where I was when I was in my early 30's before Little S came along. I went through a lot of pain and anger and dredged my way through nearly two years of added ttc, added to the six years I already had under my belt. This wasn't destined to be a pregnancy blog very fast at all. I realized after a year of setbacks I was in it for the long haul, again.

So maybe it's not appropriate to keep a blog such as this and turn it in to a blatant pregnancy blog. Maybe it's better to let this blog die as is.

Or maybe it's absolutely appropriate that it should turn in to one of those annoying pregnancy blogs, ticker, belly shots and all just like I originally planned. Maybe it puts a cap and seal on all the pain left behind in posts like this and this and this. Maybe that's me sticking my tounge out and blowing rasberries at the ttc gods, The Splotch Lady and her clipboard, and Ernestine and the Hope Villain and all those moments where I felt like THIS.

Maybe...

Does anyone have any thoughts before I decide whether to pull the plug? Comments?

Small, MEDium, LARGE

It's funny but I have small medium and large bump days. Today my bump is small and barely noticeable and I can even wear those cute pre-maternity clothes I bought a few weeks ago, whereas the other day it was impossible.

I'm not sure what makes me inflate and deflate so much. I know after a good meal the bump feels like it's sticking out two feet in front of me but there are some days when I wake up with a bump that big right off the bat and it stays with me all day long.

On one of my big bump days I tried on some of my old maternity jeans to see if they wouldn't be more comfortable and they were falling down each time I took a step. I guess I still have a few weeks of in between time.

Feeling very Hamlet

I really can't keep a straight head about the amnio. I keep flip flopping on what to do. I've discussed it with a few friends who had the procedure done and they all say it's scary yes but it gave them peace of mind. Another friend said "don't do it." She said that she had a lot of cramping afterwards and she was sure she was losing the baby. "You can't lose this baby Chris. You worked too hard to get it."

But at the same time I'm scared because I would like to make sure that everything is okay. I'd like to have the peace of mind that I will deliver a healthy baby.

So many people have asked me about the amnio. At a party at my in-laws people kept commenting on my pregnancy and then openly asking me when it was scheduled for. It was assumed I suppose that I would have the amnio because of my age. I just said "we're trying to decide" and left it at that. I don't feel like I want to discuss this with anyone but Seb and a few close friends. It's odd how it's the second question I get asked after the due date though. I feel like people are saying "okay yeah you're pregnant but we want to know is it a healthy baby?" should we really be getting excited here or not?

So I am flip-flopping. I keep telling myself that at the next ultrasound (ie. next appointment in my case because Dr. Stonehenge does one every month!) I'll know more. We'll see more. We can decide then. Meanwhile the clock is ticking.

Oh and by the way I can feel the baby moving! I wrote about it here on my other blog.

The second tri

We're back from our mini week in Burgundy and Normandie and and oh how the belly has expanded. New clothes I showed off to my friend Dee, bragging that they were so cute and not at all like maternity clothes just barely fit now. I only wore them once. Oh well, I figure that the post pregnancy bulge lasts just as long as pre pregnancy so I'll at least have something to wear then. I'll have to put them in the placard for later.

The second trimester arrived yesterday and I am so relieved. I'm finally past the tired, sloggy, ill stage and I have energy! Three months of no energy is a real eye opener. You begin to see how hard it must be to be really ill. I could barely function and I honestly don't know how people hold down jobs during the first trimester. I think I'd be caught sleeping in my car at 4 o'clock.

Seb and I had some time to discuss the amnio and we have more or less decided not to do it based on the very supportive Nuchal Fold results we received at the last ultrasound. It's such a personal decision that I won't get too far into it but I know that we'd just rather not take risks for the sake of information that we may not even take into consideration. We realize that raising a child with Down syndrome is probably an awesome responsibility that we might not be very good at and we also realize that we may even have a child who never makes it to birth at all, or at best survives only a little beyond birth, but these are realities that for now we are willing to face. Given that we are open to this I don't see the point in taking the risk of the amnio. At least those are our conclusions so far. This is a really hard decision to make and maybe I'll end up changing my mind.

Our talk in the car on the two hour drive home from Lyon centered around the realities of raising a handicapped child and how we might handle something like that. Ironically when I got home and turned on the computer The New York Times, my home page, featured two videos yesterday about raising children with Down syndrome and the effects of more and more genetic testing being offered to pregnant women. Oddly enough it was more or less the conversation we'd been having. The videos are interesting in that they show the more human side of the issue by putting a face to the children. Check them out.

The first green light

Well I might have mentioned in that last post (if I hadn't been so high on ultrasounds) that we did the Nuchal Translucency test. The doctor said "Little Sushi has a trés fine nuche" which in medical terms means good things and not *gasp* bad things like I originally thought when he said it. I hate his delivery sometimes. He could have said it enthusiasticaly!! instead of completely deadpan. Anyway it means our risk for Down's Syndrome goes down from 1/85 to 1/528 which is very good news. Anytime that number moves down it's good news.

Now I just have to think about whether or not I should get the amnio in a few weeks. The doctor says the risks of miscarriage with amnio are 1/300 which when taken next to the results of the nuchal test seem obviously higher.

Oh the decisions one must make. I'm not very good at things like this.