Helloooooo is anyone there?

I wasted two hours and forty five minute of my life trying to call the nurse at my RE's office yesterday.

me: dial dial dial dial dial
them: ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ....*

*repeat repeatedly and then repeat again

My RE works out of a huge hospital in Lyon and his staff is notoriously impossible to get on the phone. His secretary's office takes about a week to get through to. I'm not joking. First the line will be busy for hours, days even. Then after you've redialed about a jillion times, you will be put on hold for at least 45 minutes. This is the exciting part because you know you're in now, you're on hold . But as is often the case, after about twenty minutes you will get cut off for some mysterious reason; coffee break perhaps? I have only been in the secretary's offices one time and I had to wait in a line of about six people to see someone. Apparently their job is not just answering the phone but also fielding questions of all sort in person and handing off prescription paperwork.

However, this is no longer a problem for me. Since I'm a patient now who will be undergoing treatment I have a special private number I can call. The nurse hotline. She's available between certain specific hours for patient's questions regarding current treatment. You can only call her for questions if you're a patient on the verge of doing your IVF, period. No more waiting on hold! Lovely. But now get this--she never, ever answers her friggin' phone! She used to answer her phone, albeit after about 20 minutes of busy signals. I know because I called her just last month. So yesterday after one week of ringing, in frustration I actually resorted to calling the secretary instead, and when I finally got through she gave me the NURSE'S NUMBER...Argggggh!

Socialized medicine is lovely but get in line sistah! I'm so tired of not having access to this doctor. I'm so very tired of not getting detailed explanations and having to look things up on the internet. And I'm so tired of waiting.

I am so angry that I miscarried. Honestly it would have been so much easier to have never have become pregnant and to have started the meds when my period ended. Instead here I am back to square one. I'm sure the nurse will suggest that we come in again and consult with the RE. A two and a half hour drive. Ten minutes with Dr. Dieu, consisting mainly of his reflections about US politics and Florida vacation spots, and then we'll be back on track to waiting for my next period. It does feel like a vicious circle.

I know I probably have no right to complain about my free treatment. No right whatsoever. And I'm eternally grateful for it. But, it feels a bit like not having the right to complain about infertility after you already have one beautiful kid. Or how about not having the right to complain about the hardships of motherhood because you know others don't even have one kid, you know because you stood right next to them. And yet it can't all be kept inside. This is my disclaimer to complain.

But hey, hold on a minute. Maybe this next cycle will result in a natural pregnancy! A real keeper this time around. Maybe I will be able to look back at this diary entry in a few months time and say tsk, tsk, tsk because my belly will be out further than I could have imagined and I'll roll my eyes and say, "Oh look how silly and obsessed I was. Oh my god!" And I'll laugh at myself worrying about a nurse who doesn't answer her phone. My mind will go dreamy and I'll lazily switch over to thinking of my new pregnancy, "oh heck that kind of reminds me of my new ob's office. I mean gee I can hardly ever get in for my scans on time because I can never get through to Dr. Handsome's secretary. And that gel really tickles my stomach ..." and I'll be so into the pregnancy mode that I won't care about anything to do with infertility. And I probably won't even remember this poor, obsessed soul who ranted over her morning coffee about a missing nurse.

The selfish pregnant lady. Oh god I hate her.