Paper shuffle

Thankfully this weekend went well, better than last weekend. It wasn't difficult to find an improvement over the grueling, bitter winds of last weekend. Last weekend was a horrible one with a plunge so low that I will actually attest that I saw nothing but thick blackness suspended like a cloud of mist all around me. I rarely get depressed and so it made it even worse to see where I actually had brought myself, or maybe better said where circumstances had brought me. Where was I? How did I get here? Will I get out? I felt like I was clawing at the walls for answers. I think it was the hormones. In fact I'm sure of it because the headaches had arrived too and those are sure signs that something just isn't natural. A sign that we are not in the realm of what is normal.

Seb was grumpy all that weekend too and we flew into each others face a little too often for even our own tastes. All we hoped for was that it would get better in a few days; that life would look sunnier in a few days time and we wouldn't have to live in this mire for very much longer. Since I was in the middle of the treatment and Seb was in the middle of his job changes, there didn't seem to be much hope for immediate changes and so we waded through until Monday and braved out the week as it crept by day by disgusting day. When this Saturday rolled around we did the transfer for the IUI and just like that everything returned to a temporary semblance of normalcy. How convenient this pattern was becoming. Each month we build and build to this bright spot where for two weeks there is hope and happiness, only to have it dump us brusquely once again at the bottom of that pit on day 23 or 31, depending on the generosity of our lunar mentors.

I told Seb over that horrible weekend that I thought I wanted to stop the treatment after this cycle. My head was so full I couldn't hold another thought inside it and I told him that if I continued like this I feared there wouldn't be much of me left to give to him and Baby S. I explained it to him that in my mind I had slowly laid out the mental paperwork necessary for accepting our not having this second child and it was really just a matter of looking over the documents and reading them through... and then of course the final step would be signing them. He'd have to look at them too. He'd have to sign them. Could he do that? He said he really didn't know if he could but he understood what this was doing to us and especially to me and he saw the need to maybe have a sort of break from all of this. I explained to him that a break would mean nothing and that what I needed was closure. After closure I could start living a normal life and start enjoying my son and our life much more. We discussed adoption and I explained to him that adoption was just another form of what we were doing now. Other worries, other stresses but very much the same in many ways. The same type of problems but with different faces and all revolving around the unattainable.

It was a very difficult weekend. This weekend was much better, but the papers are still there in my head floating around in a sort of wind storm. I'm not sure what to do with them for now. Maybe they can be shelved for just a little while longer but I'm not so sure if that's even going to be possible.