There is hope and there is fear, but I repeat that there is hope

The appointment with Dr. Dieu went very well, much better than expected. I discovered something about him. He’s got a sort of softer side, well um, kind of. I suppose it's soft in the way a german shepherd lets you scratch his belly but you better-be-on-guard kind of way. He was kind to me last week. He let me scratch his belly and rub his ears. I’m pretty sure it’s because I failed the first round. He‘s treating me more delicately. I’m not really comfortable with it because I know it’s not his real persona, but hey it was nice and I needed to be treated with some kid gloves. I enjoyed it immensely.

Not much has changed. I’ve been put on an increased dose of Gonal F, gently augmented from 110 IUs to 215IUs. Not a huge increase. We start the treatment on October 9th. A fresh start. A new beginning. Another chance at greatness, maybe? I’m excited and well, scared witless from all those pesky things that have to do with IVF. Yeah, scared and yes there I said it. I feel like it’s a sort of here-we-go-again grape leaf tightly wrapped around a densely compacted rice ball of emotions. There are those little grains of frustration that try as we might we can‘t ever get this damn baby thing right, teeny grains of doubt, grains of that harbored fear that the drugs will lead to cancer and kill me before my son is grown, and the slightly overcooked fear that our couple will be destroyed beyond repair from all the emotional stress. All these emotions that most people don’t ever get the opportunity to experience but oh so typical of my breed, that fertilly challenged female.

All that fear and all that loathing that tries so hard to block the good stuff.

So, what is the good stuff anyway? That’s the thing you never get to actually see until you have a successful IVF and deliver a beautiful healthy baby boy, or you don’t get to touch until you adopt or until you get there. We know because we got there a few year back and it was divine. And now we find strength in this. We know that there is an enormous vat overflowing with very, very good stuff just there beyond our reach. If only we’re a bit more patient we can get to it. It’s very likely just around the corner. Every once in a while we see it. We catch a fleeting glimpse of it but hey, lately it’s been pretty evasive and each time we think we catch a glimpse it disappears leaving us with the impression that we didn’t really see anything at all and that it was just our mind playing tricks on us. But deep down some whispering chant calms us. We were like this once, afraid and unsure and then with an explosive « kapow » there we were, wife flat out on the back, ultrasounds while holding hands, listening to a swooching heartbeat, measuring the circumference of a little head and experiencing the ultimate, caressing tiny fingers and soft, little feet, bliss.

It wasn’t so long ago. It happened when we least expected it. Why should it be any different this time?