The splotch lady and her clipboard

Okay so here I sit bloated like a beluga, crampy and grumped out to the max. My boobs are incredibly tender on the sides but we all know that if my ninety year old granny takes progesterone she'll have these same symptoms. Grandpa has been gone an awful long time so I doubt she'd declare herself pregnant with baby number eight.

Progesterone is an evil boyfriend-stealing bitch. I hate almost everything about it. Notice I said ALMOST.

The cramps are pretty strong and right now it feels like aunt flo is absentmindedly tapping a pen on a clipboard. I'm getting visions of what might happen in a few days:

"Next please!"

"me?" *pointing to myself and glancing around nervously*

"yes you! Who else? Are you stupid or what? You in the black sweater. Come on will you."

"But I wasn't supposed to...they said...you were supposed to...uh, be ...next week I have a be ..."

"...HEY...it says on my list you're next and that's what they pay me to do read your name and give you this giant red splotch. I am not here to babysit the masses lady. I have a lot of other women to visit and some of them actually LIKE me and welcome me into their homes. Some of them greet me with big bouquets of roses. One lady last week baked me chocolate chip cookies she was so happy I called her name."

"Pleeze lady. You are just a fat, ugly, smelly old skanky HO. And your mama before you was a fat, ugly, smelly, skanky Ho. And you can take your clipboard and your giant splotch and shove it up your big, old hairy... "

"Well I never! There is always a reason we have an X by certain names. I can certainly see why yours has one. One of the difficult ones!" *blows whistle* "Guard! Guaaard! It's one of those IVF ladies. She's being rude to me. I told you I will not even deal with these people anymore. Take her to the back room. Give her the splotch please!"

"Nooo...not the splotch!" *fighting the straight jacket*

I'm so on edge I feel like my eardrums are going to explode. That could be the lack of caffeine. It could be the lack of human contact. Where is everyone this week? Even the cyber world is absent.

Hopefully this will all end soon. My beta is on Thanksgiving day next week. I couldn't imagine a more fitting day one way or another. If it's a negative the irony of the whole thing will make even me laugh, reminding me that the universe does have a sense of humor. Otherwise if it's a positive I'll be able to produce a helluva "Chicken Soup for the IVFer's Soul" story now won't I.