Giddy enthusiastic infertiles and me before the blog

Okay I'm so incredibly bored and nightmarishly jittery that I can't stop fidgeting with search engines of every dang sort imaginable. I was so bored last night that I started digging through old posts from my old TTC board. If you're any kind of veteran infertile then visiting old web boards you used to post on like this is the equivalent of looking through a high school yearbook because all the posts are really dorky and you read remarks that say things like "OMG Misschrisc I hope that embie sticks like superglue! Good luck to you!! Baby dust to everyone!!" And then you know, the cycle turned out to be a bust and later you stopped asking for baby dust because you were pretty much sure it was lethal and should be labeled as a Class A drug.

I still keep in touch with some of the women from my TTC board and I think those that I do keep up with have crawled through enough mucky trenches with me that I'm pretty sure they wouldn't wish any baby dust on me or anyone else for that matter. I'm pretty sure in their early days they like me were naieve and seemed confident that perfect "embies" came along each cycle, that we all ovulated on day 14 and that baby dust should be bottled and sold in Walmart because it was just so freaking wonderful. It's refreshing to have moved beyond all of that. Thank god for that reality check.

In digging around I found this old post which I found rather funny. I wrote this in January 2004 a few days before my first ever positive beta. A positive beta that was realized after an awful lot of muck: two years of natural ttc, two clomid cycles, two injectable cycles, five IUI's and one bittersweet cancelled IVF. Five years of trying to make a baby using all the ammunition available. That positive beta rocked my world! (and for the record he's still rocking it as we speak).

Pay close attention to theory number two because that's exactly what happened, little devil.

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"I went to pee last night and lo and behold there was a glob of cm with a tinge of pink streak through it. My bathroom microscope may not have been adjusted to the right setting so I'm not really so sure about the grade levels...but, it was like yellowish ewcm. This is weird. I mean cm I have in ALL forms and if you've ever dealt with progesteron suppositories you'll be shaking your head along with me. We're talking concrete underwear at the end of the day people! (sorry for the enthusiasm) But progesterone leaves a "certain" trail I've come to affectionately know and this was not that. I have no idea WHATS going on. I just have three warped theories. Here goes:

Theory 1: AF is knockin' on my door with her basket full of goodies. Pushy broad that she is she is knocking at the WRONG time and is very uninvited. She has lost her key (my locksmith named Progesterone--good guy) and she's leaving her calling card and this lovely glob of ewcm as a gift because she knows I always have liked finding that. How sweet of her. I'm doomed.

Theory 2: The little tyke is implanting really late. He's going to be quite a handful when he gets here and he's showing that stubborn side now. "Hey...you WERE always late mister and don't give me that attitude!! Wipe that smirk off your face. This is your mother talking!"" He's going to cause me to have a really low beta which will just give me more even stress. Kids...golly the troubles and worries they cause us little devils!

Theory 3: The stress from the 2ww has caused a large HOLE to form in my stomach which is currently eating through my uterus in its second stage. The blood is slowly trickling and I will die just five minutes before my beta on Thursday. "How tragic!" they'll say "...she was pregnant with twins.." DH will surely get defensive and say "I told her not to stress but she didn't listen!"

And then there's the Conspiracy Theory where the Taliban came in and tampered with my toilet paper but I don't want you all to think I'm paranoid or anything. Pessimist that I am I'm sticking with theory one. Tragic Dissapointment has become very comfortable in my old age."