IUI: it's usually inutile, no really

I'm trying to stay an optimist about the next few months even though it's almost impossible to not think back to all those awful IUI trials. I really hated that period of my treatment; a real low point in my life. Whenever I think back to that time I get very angry and sad thinking of all the time wasted with an RE who refused to refer us for IVF until we'd completed all five IUI cycles, even though Seb had terrible motility and a less than stellar count ... awww, I still love you honey, dont worry

The IUI's were physically very painful because the doctor always used a small clamp to open my cervix and this usually resulted in a 40 minute bloodbath and hours and hours of cramps. I don't know why but she found this, in her words "perfectly normal" that the whole event was a torturous pit that I fell into each few months. She also dubbed me the 'impatient patient' because of my distate for the whole IUI process and it's useless waste of time and energy. I was eager to move on to IVF so the whole ordeal could be done in a more sophisticated scientific fashion instead of with tools and methods adapted from Stonhenge.

Maybe this time it won't be so painful. Maybe the RE was just an incompetent ho. Perhaps it was the negative vibes emitting from my ovaries or my refusal to believe in fuzzy positive thoughts. Maybe this time I'll leave the ob's office with hope instead of a wad of paper towels between my legs. One can dream.

The other sucky thing is that we may still be moving. This "should we or shouldn't we move to Lyon" thing has been going on for about two months now. Seb and I decided last week that he definitely should go and we'd be much better off financially and blah, blah, blah. And I added, "yeah and Dr. Dieu is like right around the corner, so no more overnight trips to go to the hospital for IVF procedures, cool!" Umm, except that I'm not his patient anymore as of Friday afternoon. Oops. If we still decide to move I have to find a new ob who will do the IUI's and that's going to take a few months at least. We may not even move to Lyon now because the idea of finding a new doctor gives me the heebies. These fertility specialists are a funny lot. Some are horror stories in their own right, demoralizing and accusatory. I hate to be negative and say that we won't find a good doctor, but a good doctor, and by 'good' I mean caring and motivated to see you have success despite your age or reserve, well, it just isn't the norm it's the exception.

Meanwhile I ovulated this cycle a little earlier than last cycle. I looked back over my temps for last cycle and saw that the temp that determined my ovulation day was taken when I was travelling and had gotten up very early. I tried discarding it and it gave me an O day of two days earlier. This time around I was eyeing the calendar instead of my signs, deciding that we'd hit the last four days before O like bandits. Well, that was just plain stupid. O came and went without my even noticing she was here, until she'd gone of course, tarty wench. Luckily we'd started trying on day 10, nice and early. I really hate Seb's job, and they're to blame if this cycle is bust. He had his monthly Thursday night meeting with the night crew the day before O! He was really tired the next morning, too tired for bd and then crashed early the next night to catch up on his rest. Wouldn't you know! Arrrg!!!.

It ain't over until...well about 10 days from now. Meanwhile excuse me while I go and scrub my skin free of all this greasy HOPE oozing out of my pores. I really have to get some good strong prescription gel cleanser for this. It's getting annoying.