Because life should never be kept on hold for IVF

In July we're moving to Mexico for Seb's job. It's just for three years. It's not forever. I was scared when he first told me he'd been proposed the job. I had a panic attack. I was in the car with my mother-in-law taking the huge breaths that get me through these moments. She was monitering it all clearly thinking "my son is an ass to stress his wife like this" I felt horrible for her thinking this. I just wanted to be alone until the attack passed. I wanted to deal with my issues alone and she was there passing motherly judgement. It was really horrible.

Seb didn't actually accept the position right away. We had a long discussion about the implications it would have on our trying to have a baby and how it might work if the IVF failed and then he said yes. We calculated ahead that out next two attempts could probably be done by summer. Well that they would have to be done by summer. I mean if the sperm donor is in another country how does that work? I could take time off to stay behind but he couldn't. No, it would all have to be neatly wrapped up by summer.

The IVF failed. Panic attack number two.

Any more attempts than four are paid out of our own pocket. We aren't that far yet but circumstances are forcing us to think ahead to just-in-case scenarios. Mexico for all we know could be as good a place as any to do a fifth attempt. Why not?

I really hate to think of five attempts or six, but if Brooke Sheilds can do seven than surely I can too, right? I mean who is she anyway? If you've ever read Tertia's diary "So Close" and dug through her archives you will be inspired to read that it was on her ninth attempt that she finally succeeded with her twins. Reading her story how can I throw in the towel so easily after so little effort?

I have to admit though that there is an added dimension of stress I hadn't really counted on. It's difficult to think of leaving France without a small bundle tucked away somewhere. I pray that it will happen before we leave. Besides there's the practical side to it. What on earth do I do with the boxes of baby things? Do I sell it all? Take it? That decision alone has to be made soon. Selling it will probably hurt too much. Packing it will hurt too if the four attempts fail. There is no easy answer.

I hadn't thought of all this when we said yes to leaving. It's only just now floating around in my brain.