Before the first ultrasound

I only have one hour until my first ultrasound and so what to do but kill time writing and worrying. I feel exactly like I did before each beta phone call, butterflies in my stomach, short of breath, terrified at the prospect of everything crashing down around me, an emotional tidal wave ready to hit the shore in either joy or devastation, we aren't really sure which yet.

I'm not sure what I'll do at this point if I get negative news. I've unfortunately become invested in this thing on a level I couldn't help. I have been thinking about the baby things, like car seats and strollers and being foolish. I've actually bought a few little things, sale things I just couldn't pass up. I am truly crazed and tempting fate like a woman with nothing to lose.

Seb was supposed to go with us but he had to go to Paris at the last minute so I'm walking to the appointment with Little S this morning. Maybe it's not the best idea because it's always a little difficult getting him home without a lot of delays and "no, no, no...wait, wait, wait" and so if I'm in a bad state of mind I don't know HOW I'll get him home. It's funny what your mind thinks of during moments like this. All the what ifs no matter how trivial.


I've told a few more people too, people outside the realm. The other day my friend Lily surprised me and stopped by in the afternoon with her son. "Ack!" the house was a mess and I had been sleeping, hair sticking up in all directions. I had after lunch nap breath and I looked frightening. I was embarrassed so I used the best excuse I had. So there was some other casual acquaintance who knew. What was I thinking. I begged her not to make a big deal of it but she kept saying "that is so wonderful!" and making a big fuss.

I also got an e-mail from my in laws. I could tell that Seb had let them in on it. They had written me on my birthday just after the first beta to say "we hope the good news stays in your life at this moment and continues to fill your world with love and happiness" or something weird like that. Luckily it was sent to my old email address and I didn't read it earlier, like around the time of the beta nonsense. It would have bugged me. They express themselves in such a strange way, so flowery and formal! It makes me feel like they look it up in a book or something. They also mentioned something about not worrying about "those events of the past" and allowing them to affect my moment of happiness. Ergh. I will kill Seb next time I see him.

Okay, it's time to go. I'll post the second half of this when I get back.