The dreams I've been having lately are odd and so real I feel like I'm really living them. Sometimes I'm shocked when I wake up to the real world in my bed under the stairs, sweating and rubbing my eyes. Often they are sexual in nature, that progesterone bonus thankyouverymuch, and often they involve people who I'd never consider "in that way" like the guy who sweeps the leaves by the lake, ummmm okay..., or the dream about the man who ran a hotel I was staying at in another dream. I have no idea who he was but he was friendly enough and I bet my room was comped for the next few nights!
A few nights ago I had a dream where I lost the baby. Seb and I had gone to the ultrasound and been told that the baby was dead. That was a sad dream and I woke up feeling scared and teary and emotional. The feeling stayed with me all day and I refused to talk about the pregnancy at all that day.
Last night I had a nurture dream. I dreamed that I was sitting next to Little S and I wanted to hold him and let him breastfeed and he seemed to want to, but there was a block there that wouldn't let him. I remember thinking in the dream that even if he tried to breastfeed I would have to push him away because it would kill the growing baby.* It was an odd mix of emotions because that urge to breastfeed was so strong that it nearly felt like physical desire, oddly sexual.
It was nice to be in that nurture role again. I felt needed again by my son. It occurred to me that I hadn't felt that way since I stopped breastfeeding him almost a year ago. Maybe that's where all this baby wanting comes from. We need to feel needed and having a small baby makes you feel more needed than you'll ever be in your entire life. Gradually that maternal role changes and sort off fades, or does it, I'm not sure? Oddly though in this dream I could feel that Little S still needed me more than I had thought.
I don't now what these dreams represent;- deep rooted desires (look out leaf guy!), fears, shifting maternal roles, but they are a facinating way to pass the time until the next ultrasound.
*Since I was still breastfeeding with my pregnancy in November two years ago, I have always wondered if that wasn't a factor in the dwindling pregnancy and miscarriage. It's no wonder the issue is coming up in dreams this pregnancy.
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3 comments:
Isn't progesterone amazing? Maybe the nurture dream was an subconscious attempt to work out how you will be able strike that balance of loving and nurturing them both (or maybe I'm just projecting one of my old, unfounded concerns onto your dream!).
ohhhh, how exciting! so glad that i stopped in to read all about it!!
em, has a point, and could be all those hormones just racing around your blood as well.
I just stopped bf and am having weird dreams about it. our brains really know how to remind us of what they want us to do, its so primal.
oooh pregnancy dreams I remember them, pretty vivid stuff huh!
Please don't think that breastfeeding would have somehow contributed to a miscarriage. There is no evidence that it can happen and I know lots of women who have breastfed at the beginning (or even throughout!) a healthy pregnancy with no problems. I'd hate to think you felt somehow responsible for losing a baby.
I reckon Em is right and the dream was about being able to care for both, I had loads like that when pregnant the second time!
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