Pink

I have my monthly appointment tomorrow morning with Dr. Stonehenge and hopefully we'll get to have a look at Miss Sushi and see just how much she's grown. The anxiety before these appointments is horrid and I just try to put them out of my mind, which I'm pretty good at. The amount of relief upon hearing that everything is okay each time is like a soldier being told that "the war is over...you can go home" I keep waiting for a bomb to drop.

My mom says "oh no you have to think good thoughts, pink thoughts honey" Moms is new age so it's all about energy and chakras and the like,--her sometimes annoying philosophy but one we've kids have haddrilled into us our whole lives. In spite of her warnings the black clouds are always sitting on the horizon and I can't eliminate them. They won't go away and I just don't get it.

This is probably why I wrote that last post about feeling guilty and all those recent posts about the amniocentesis. I just don't feel comfortable with this pregnancy yet. I can't get into pregnancy talk with other expecting moms on the playground. I skirt talking about this pregnancy and talk about pregnancy by realting to my first pregnancy. I haven't bought any maternity clothes even though nothing fits anymore. I almost pretend I am not pregnant.

And I've thrown away so much baby stuff lately it's almost weird. I've given away almost everything to charity in the past month. I tell myself it's because we're moving, but deep inside of me it makes me feel relieved to get rid of all this stuff. I have no idea why but I feel like it's bad luck to have it around.

I am trying to think pink thoughts mom. I really am but it's hard to wrap my head around it. I have no idea why.