Giving up things

I'm doing okay with the giving up things, well kind of. I have to admit that giving up a few of my favorite things for this IVF has been especially hard.

After all I've been a very good girl for several months, trialing my way through three count 'em three IUI's and what on earth did it get me? A lot of resentment that's what. I hate resentment. It makes it all so much worse.

and so ...

I had some wine with dinner all weekend.

I had some non-herbal tea too with breakfast.

I loaded up on sugar with a friend who was visiting.

Will all these little sins lead to bad eggs? These are just minor slips of the tounge. After all I won't allow this trend to continue. Have I already done myself in?

Oh well, at least I won't harbor resentment if things don't work. I'll only have guilt to deal with and maybe that's the easier of the two emotions. The psychology of all of this is very amusing.

The first days

I've started the supression for the IVF with an injectible drug called Décapeptyl which I belive is French. I don't see the doctor for at least two more weeks, a long grueling wait-a-thon, the first of many.

It was very strange starting this whole treatment on our vacation in Tuscany. Tuscany, ... the mist, the hills, olive trees

... and mixing drugs in little vials.

Uh yeah right, okay.

A little bit of annasteezhuh pleezh

Okay I know I murdered the spelling, but it's funnetik you see... and I'm a lazy ho with attitude so there.

There isn't much to say but I felt that an update was in order, as much for myself as for anyone who might actually still be reading this diary. Like I said, I'm a lazy ho...did I mention the attitude part?

Let's see, well no baby making this month and already we're up to cycle day sixteen here. It's the thermometer against the wall thing, in other words...no temping! Yay! Who likes doing that anyway? Okay well, me I suppose, but I'm out of the habit so I feel all empowered about it.

Meanwhile I don't have my groovy, little advent calendar to moon over. That kind of stinks.

do you get it?...moon over...haven't lost my sense of humour in all of this.

I start suppressing ovulation on May first, May Day actually, and it's a full two and a half weeks before I even start stims. A long, drawn out month of highs and lows I'm sure.

I wasn't going to do the anaesthesia and had planned to be awake and fully AWARE of the 12 inch needle going into my Netherlands, not for the sake of safety or principle or anything like that, but for another more pressing reason. We got invited to Tuscany by my friend Riana and her husband and I really really, really wanted to go. My anaesthesia consultation appointment fell in the middle of the Tuscan week and it was going to be impossible to change it since it had been made nearly two months ago. Anyway, the choice was clearly, anaesthesia or Tuscany and I chose ... TUSCANY you fool! Oh my god who wouldn't, please what an idiot!

So anyway back from our super long weekend today there was a France Telecom message waiting for me. My appointment has been serendipitously changed to early next week just out of the blue. I couldn't believe my ears. A second chance to be anaesthetised. How could I say no when the anaesthesia Gods are sending me such a message as if from the heavens above?

So that's where I am as of today. Cool as a cucumber so far, I'll be officially starting my treatment in the rolling hills of Tuscany with a good friend and my anaesthesia consulatation all arranged. No worries.

I can't wait to get on with all of this and get a newborn baby in these hungry momma arms. And you know what, something makes me feel like it could happen very soon. Is it considered in poor taste to be optimistic at this point? No it's probably just plain sick, but I think I'm going to throw caution to the wind and plow ahead with the optimism thingy. No cheering me on please, I'm mumbling all this under my breath and darting my eyes around enough about it. If you say nice things I'll only go hide under the dining room table, chew my fingernails and start humming The Marseillaise.

Otherwise I have a plan B. I'm just going to go to the park next week and scream at some poor, isolated mother GIVE ME THAT BABY NOW LADY!! while I lunge myself at her funky, red aluminum wheeled Bugaboo stroller.

May day ...m'aider

I start my treatment on May day. Isn't that wonderful! I'm feeling back on cloud nine. The treatment is a little longer than the treatment for an IUI since for the first 13-16 days your ovulation is completely supressed, and then afterwards carefully controlled over a period of about 8-10 days while you take stims. For me that stimulant will be Gonal-F, 100 IUs this time instead of the 75 IU's I did for the inseminations. It's also combined with a drug called l'Uveris (in French at least), and well, not actally combined because one is in pen form and one is in regular old needle form. That means two, count 'em, two injections per night. Oh well, I think I'd do ten injections per night if I had to. I really don't care just gimme 'dat baby!

So this month is just a lazy month of kicking back and enjoying life as much as possible before entering the loony bin of laboratory manufactured hormones. I've decided I'm giving up alcohol and caffeine the last week of April, difficult I wanna tell you because I am such a wino and a total and complete caffeine wench, but sigh necessary I suppose. Hey you are talking to the woman who gave up coffee and almost all alcohol for 15 months during pregnancy and early breastfeeding, and that's when you really need it. I think I can do it again. It's just hard getting started and getting weaned off of the stuff.

I don't know if we will try to make babies this month or not. On the one hand I could get pregnant and not have to do the IVF can I get a whoo whoo but on the other hand I think we've been down that long and winding road before. Perhaps we will and perhaps we won't. The same goes for charting. I may take my temperature each and every morning and then again I may hit the snooze button and chuck the plastic piece of sh*t against the wall each morning just to hear the clang of the battery jar around inside. A lot of good the bastard's done me so far!

I guess we shall see shant we.

The incredibly amazing Doctor Dieu

It was so weird to see Dr. Dieu again after such a long absence. Our last meeting was in September. Nothing much had changed. I still think he should just go ahead and install those mirrors behind his patients in his office. He always acts like he's admiring himself anyway. His ego is really too big to fit into that tiny space.

A few brief facts about Dr. Dieu:

1)He was recommended to us as THE authority on IVF in the region
2)How could we disagree since he helped us have Baby S
3)He doesn't say anything when you first meet him, just stares at you and waits
4)This is some sort of tactic I'm sure--something he learned at a seminar
5)It bugs me.
6)Seb does the same thing but it's because he's timid and not brash
7)They stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time which was really funny, each waiting for the other to speak.
8)He drives an Austin Mini
9)And yet he's really tall for a French guy--it must be a funny sight to see him climb into that car
10)He makes chauvinistic jokes about women and then laughs while looking at the husband.
11)When I first met him he told me to stay off the internet because it would just confuse me.
12)How wrong he was, because that's how I got all of my information.
13) He never explains anything, he just makes small talk.
14)He makes lots of small talk about the United States.
15)He likes to tell me how Americans are allowed to transfer "as many embryos as they want" when they do IVF.
16) That remark caused me to lump him in with all the French people I meet who think all Americans wear cowboy hats and eat cheeseburgers.
17)He always reminds me that in France you can only transfer two embryos at a time.
18)I talked him into transferring three last time...and will talk him into three again I'm sure.
19)He once yelled at his stagiére and called him an imbecile in front of me and Seb
20)I Googled his name out of curiosity a few years ago and two French girls on an internet forum were saying how "easy on the eyes he was."
21)His teeth are yellow, crooked and have brown marks in between them.
22)The appointment, a private consultation lasted less than 15 minutes and cost me 80 euros.
23)He told me that I shouldn't complain about anything because my treatment was free.
24)I had to remind him that we pay taxes...lots of taxes.
24)He petted Baby S's head and told me he should be in magazines.
25)I had the distinct feeling he was taking credit for my baby I don't know why.
26)He told me that women who need more than local anaesthesia for IVF egg retrieval are imagining the pain,
27)Then he asked me if I'd given birth naturally as if that somehow would make it easier
28)His entire office reeks of cigarette smoke.

So there now you have a clearer picture of who I'm dealing with. He is a case and a half, a case for a reality check, a man who most likely charmed his way through medical school and beyond. He was the superior of Doctor Stonehenge for a couple of years and Dr. Stonehenge is severely intimidated by him. He is about as intimidating a character as a mouse on steroids, all tweek and no squeak. But I don't really see how I can reject him. I can't afford to not like him. He was the only thing that ever worked.

To me this overinflated bully represents hope. He is quite plainly my next best shot. I'm torn between admiration and revolt.

I guess I have to embrace him but I will never call him "easy on they eyes," mark my words.

And the break goes on

Yes it's still break time. It feels good. I don't feel like I've missed much, don't get a wave of nostalgia sweeping over me as I pass the pharmacy or my doctor's office, or when I open the fridge and see the opened box of Gonal F sitting there, waiting.

My consultation appointment with Dr. Dieu is this week.

My period is due tomorrow.

I'm ready to get back to normal.

It's funny what passes for normal these days.

How about a little purification?

Since I've been on the drug Gonal-F I have noticed something odd. I sweat like a stinky racehorse. I smell horrid. I'm sweaty anyway but this is much worse. It's a chemical waste smell. It's no small wonder after three cycles in a row.

My friend Riana has posted on her little food blog a great step by step detox diet that is a wonderful way to make a fresh start if you've been abusing your body with medicine, alcohol, junk food, sugar or even just stress (I get gold stars for all of those thank you very much). I think these detoxes are really important and I used to do them all the time way back when I was treating my body like a temple and not a waste dump.

So, here's to turning over new leaves. And here's the diet.

It's like I was saying

There's that old familiar refrain. I know this song man.

It's cycle day one, but hey who's counting.

I'm just happy all this is over with.

But still...

cycle day one always sucks.

Still on that break

I'm just here kind of waiting around for Miss Florence to blast her way through my bathroom door. She hasn't left any calling cards yet.

As opposed to last cycle's house rockin' symptoms party, I have no symptoms this cycle. Or maybe it's just that I don't care much about this cycle and I'm not looking for symptoms. In any case I am on cd 12 or something like that so she should be coming around here soon.

I haven't been temping much this cycle for obvious reasons, but for the last two days I broke down and took my temps. My temps are still above cover line but not doing The Cat on A Hot Tin Roof thing they should be doing if all was right with the world. They're slowly slipping. That's usually the beginning of the end for me.

Bye bye IUI's. We hated suffering through you and we'll be very glad very soon that you are a distant desert mirage in our dirty rearview mirror. I think I may even throw a party in honor of your demise!

The break...just what the doctor didn't order

I seem to be taking a mental break. It's not really me who decided, it's my lazy bones head who just decided to stop counting, to stop temping, and you know what? I actually had to count on my fingers which cycle day I was on this morning.

"Had to count ..."echo, echo, echo... Well I'll be.

What's incredible is that about this time in most cycles I start wearing my little white t-shirts that have CYCLE DAY 10 emblazoned across the chest in black letters, and I walk around with my head cast down mumbling to my invisible posse... ovulation day, cervical mucous, days past, headache, progesterone level, cramps!, cramps?, cramps...hmmm....

...at least I think this is cycle day ten. Maybe it's tomorrow. For some reason the number did not stick in my head and I haven't got the energy to recount.

I guess I'm close to the obsessive period but I really would rather think of other things than start to worry.

Then again I can't guarantee that I won't start obsessing over the next few days now can I? I just really, really hope to have this cycle over with and have all the others be a distant memory, and start looking towards the IVF in May.

Another charming trigger

Well I triggered this morning. I had two follicles, a 11mm guy we won't even count and then a 22mm shiner who is kicking my butt with her hot molten lava nucleus! I have no idea why I feel so stimmed, but I am really, really huge like I'm pregnant and ouchie! the girls are tender, left and right.

It's the same drill, a visit to the clinic tomorrow for several hours of hanging out and doing nothing while we wait. The "squirt," then the drive home. The routine.

In much better news, I have made an appointment with Dr. Dieu for a consultation in early April for the IVF. I also have an appointment with the anaesthesiologist for early May, because I really do prefer to be out for the IVF retrieval. I know many people aren't knocked out and it goes very well, dentist appointment right? I just feel less stressed if I don't have to see what's going on. On the other hand my friend Dee swears she was dropped during one of her IVF retrievals because she woke up with a wrenched back and had no idea why! She's got a point, they can pretty much manage the whole thing however they like and treat you like a piece of meat for the thirty minutes that you're out cold. But to be honest that huge 8 incher of a needle used for retrieving the eggs is what really freaks me out. I guess I don't have to look at it but the stress of being aware of it makes swoon.

Disco inferno

It seems I'm a bit overstimmed. There's some "play that funky music white girl" going on in my poor, over-inflated ovaries and the girls are not pleased. I look hilariously pregnant. My neighbors have been staring and scratching their heads. They all know we're trying to have another baby and from the looks of it congratulations are in order, right? I have switched to expandable waistbands over the long and painful weekend and have been doing the dreaded belly rub gesture in an effort to calm the Latin Hustle.

Gonal-F and I have a sordid little past with overstimulation. I had OHSS bad enough with my first IVF to land myself in the hospital. Well in true French fashion they wanted to land me in the hospital but in the Lyon hospital two hours away. "Uh, yeah, let me just grab my keys and drive there guys. After all it only hurt when I breathe you know..." Seb was getting ready to leave on a business trip and I just rolled my eyes and said "oh hell I'll just deal with it." I couldn't be bothered. I just tried to drink a lot of water in between the vomiting and roll with the punches. What I didn't know at the time but learned later is that OHSS is pretty serious business and I was being extremely stupid. It all turned out okay but I think I was lucky that I didn't seriously hurt myself.

I don't think I'm quite as severe this time around. I'm just displaying my classic verve of loving this drug enough to puff out like a mini croissant in a 350 degree farenheit oven. It's at least comforting to know that some things are happening in there.

Three time the lady

Did you ever swear that you wouldn't help out an annoying, whiny pseudo friend who calls you at all hours of the night going on and and on about her loser boyfriend, and complains about her problems in minute detail to no end? Did you ever hang up the phone, sighing and say "never again!" only to call her back one week later and say, "hey what's going on? Is everything okay?" *

I have no idea how I got roped into it, but we're doing a third IUI. It was as if Dr. Stonehenge had a whiteboard behind his desk and was presenting me the situation in a red sharpie, circling the crucial points. "In scenario one Miss Chris, you take a much needed break and call me back in a month or so for IUI number three. That's not a problem for me. You probably need a break. You seem tired and that's normal." I looked at him and my heart felt squeezed and I had that little shortness of breath thing that makes me feel like I'm smothering. The "lost time" feeling. The "I'm going to be thirty-eight years old in one month" feeling. He was already on scenario two, "we can try to contact Dr. Dieu and SEE if he'll allow you to move on to IVF but he is my superior and if he suggests IUI I think he has a reason behind it and I think we should respect that." In other words "I'm chicken shit intimidated by this guy and you're stuck in the middle dear patient. The final scenario was underscored, clearly his favorite "Let's try one more IUI and see what results we get." My eyes were fixed to the wall behind him where there is a picture of Dr. Stonehenge and a woman, his wife I presume, on vacation in what looks like Florida or Tahiti, and the sun is setting behind them, and their faces are bathed in in that surreal, tropical orange glow that you only see in holiday snapshots. "Umm, yes okay" I sighed, "I guess I'll do number three and get it over with."

I have decided that I will be the unwilling participant in this cycle. I will drink coffee, I will drink wine, I will eat sugar and all manner of nasty things and take my temperature when I feel like it and I will swear loudly and wrassle pigs in mud if the mood strikes me. And I will shoot poison eye darts at anyone who dares to tell me that "pregnant women" shouldn't drink or eat this or that, I swear I will. I will do whatever I want to and this cycle will pass before my next birthday. My body will do the cycle while I stand on the sidelines and watch it all happen. I will not even think about the treatment. I will do my injections, uh, I mean her injections at whatever hour it happens to be before she goes to bed. And so there will be my promised break. A mental break from the person who is enthusiastic!! about!! getting!! pregnant!!, to someone standing on the sidelines staring at a game being played out and rooting for neither team.

*This scenario doesn't actually represent any of my annoying whiny friends, (who I love dearly by the way, whiny or not). It's just an extreme example of course and probably more representative of myself than anyone I know.

The long and whiney road

Even though my energy levels are at zero, no wait at negative one actually, maybe even lower, I am going to strap my boots back on and go see Dr. Stonehenge at nine a.m. tomorrow morning. I'm going to maneuver his office with my whiney baby and I'm going to look him squarely in the eye. I'm going to hold his gaze for ten whole seconds and then I'm going to blurt out, "do you really believe we have a snowball's chance in hell of this ever working, and if you don't then why are you putting me through this hell!?"

Now all I have to do is translate all that into French: Snowball=boule de neige, chance=chance, hell=enfer. Somehow I think it will lose its oomph. The French language is so colorless. Maybe I should just act slighted and uninvolved.

And for the record, I'm still having symptoms. Still having pelvic pressure, sore boobs and belly button tugging. I have learned a valuable lesson.

Symptoms=pregnant/not pregnant.

The gross underuse of the F word

My temps plummeted this morning so it looks like I'm out. The goddamned ship is getting ready to leave port and I'm definitely not going to be on it.

This sucks.

Plain and f*cking simply put THIS REALLY, REALLY SUCKS.

Now I'm off to the f*cking store to buy f*cking tampons because I will have none tomorrow when the great flood arrives.

I should just buy them at the pharmacy when I buy the Gonal-F. "Yes and a jumbo size box of THOSE please."

Merry f*cking Christmas to me...grump, grump, grump.

Idiot alert

Okay wait, I just re-read my last few posts and I think I should probably stop smoking those progesterone pills and swallow them like it says on the nice pretty box.

I'm being a complete idiot. I'm really setting myself up for a burn here. I think I need to just sleeeewwrrr 'er down a notch.

It's been intervention time for a couple of days here and believe-you-me I saw it coming. Excuse me for just a moment while I share a letter sent by my alter ego, "Ernestine," who you may know as the crazy laundromat lady with combat boots, and who by the way, body builds by lifting cars in her spare time and eats onion and hot pepper chili cheese dogs slathered in salsa for breakfast. This came in the mail this afternoon, special delivery:

Dear Miss!

I gotta tell you, stop being so freakin' stupid! [bitch slap]

You're on progesterone for bejesus sakes so you'll have about a billion phantom symptoms like sore boobs, headaches, and being a bitchy wife! Stop imagining that these might be pregnancy symptoms. Puh-leeese!!!

It's only 12 days past ovulation moron. You might want to stop and remember the 15 day luteal phase you had three months ago! And what about the little 30 day cycle, huh? Did you just happen to forget about that one?

And hey, whoa...what's this 'testing on Sunday' business! "ohh mommy I'm gonna test the day after my period is due...wahhhh!" Yeah, well miss I think you better rethink that one a wee bit longer because you may be getting your period as you're doing the freakin' test.

And all this nya-nya-nya about sore belly buttons. No one on the planet has ever had this symptom except one single halfhazardly documented person and for all you know she's dead from a bleeding hernia! And I got a newsflash for you: cramps and pelvic pressure SAME THING ...on everyone else's reality show!

Get a life you little weasel before I squash your head with a rusty tractor part.
[double bitch slap]

All my best,
Ernestine

So thank you Ernestine. I needed that. You always know how to set me straight. Because if this ship sails and I'm not on it I'm going to be jumping in swimming after it, screaming and crying for them to bring back my brand new Louis Vitton luggage set. And when they don't come back I'm going to be sitting on the dock with my face buried in my hands bawling my eyes out. Yep, I'm in deep.

Crapper. damnfreakincrappitycrap.

I will stay calm from here on out. I will stay sane for sanity's sake and remind myself of the fact that as difficult as it is to admit, after this cycle I'll be taking a very long break one way or another.

The torture chamber, madame

12dpo

Did I mention that hope villain and I arelikethis. Making margaritas, dancing in the living room, and dishing dirt over The Superficial Weekly, he is definitely one of the girls.

Last night as I lay in bed with the covers pulled up to my eyes, I had these funny little terrible twinges on the left side of my pelvis. Well, not so terrible actually because I said to myself "wow, that's awesome...twinges!" And with my face under the covers I could not stop smiling. I was so nervous about falling asleep and having it all end, having to wake up and go down that dark road again, I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to stop smiling. And then I finally fell asleep praying that I'd get a huge temperature reading the next morning and not the awful plunge.

The next morning I didn't get a huge temperature, but I got an even one. And hey, that's good enough for me.

And yes, there is a little more boob pain, but I'm not really a boob pain girl so it's not a concern one way or the other. But the most important thing of all is that there is pressure; enormous pressure in my pelvis. And I wouldn't call it cramps, I'd call it pressure. So either this is going to be the worst period ever or I'm...I'm...ahhhhhh

...no I won't say it. I refuse.

We'll see on Sunday.

The lurker

Damn. The hope villain has been hanging outside my door, lurking. It's cold outside. I invited him in for coffee. He came right in and made himself at home. He put his feet up next to the fire and stayed.

I should have known.

I'm 11dpo and for four days now I've been having cramps. Yes, period cramps. AF cramps or whatever you want to call them. I've also been having lots of weird symptoms. Most symptoms are related to the progesterone, glowy skin, morning sickness, and the tingling in my breasts. There's another one, a symptom I find unusual though. I have a poking feeling in my belly button when I turn a certain way. It's definitely something new.

Of course I Googled it. What else is a person to do? But nary a person claimed it had happened to them, well...except one person it seems. On BabySnark I found this woman who'd kept a detailed symptoms log of her days leading up to a positive pregnancy test. A woman after my own heart. She's a list maker. I do exactly the same thing.

So here's her list and please pay special attention to the "belly button poking" because THIS IS WHAT IT IS EXACTLY:

3dpo & 4dpo – Butterflies in stomach, but not nauseous; mild cramping (ovulation type).
5dpo – Serious AF cramps (thought I was going to start two weeks early!).
8dpo – AF cramps (low down), sharp pain left ovary in p.m., mild AF cramps just above pubic bone (all across), bloated.
10dpo – Morning temp 37.2 (98.96), serious AF cramps in late p.m., ''who-ha'' entrance much wetter (tip of C soft).
11dpo – Serious cramping R all day (sharp pains running over my R hip to lower back) – fever of 100.9 F. (N.B. Found out later I had a corpus luteum cyst.)
12dpo – Cramps (pain) in R side all day, though milder than yesterday; CF abundant.
13dpo – Tested – BFN – Pain in bellybutton (like someone poked their finger in it), and the feeling continues from there down the middle of my stomach; slight heartburn/nausea.
14dpo – Mild pain in belly button, very tired.
15dpo – Bad cramps (pain) in R side, AF cramps (straight across) in late p.m., belly button pain, got up early 5 a.m.
16dpo – Got up early again.
17 dpo – Pelvic pain continues (1/2 day of work only), woke up at 5 a.m. (2 hours early).
18 & 19 dpo – Pelvic pain consistent (no work, lied flat all day). Slight belly button pain. AF arrived (so I thought), but blood was brown and light. Read up on this site & others regarding menstruation and pregnancy. Woke up early 5 a.m.
20 dpo – Woke up really early (3:30), had to pee! Tested ++++++. (Pain in lower back straight across, sciatica on R aggravated.)
Note: I didn’t chart temps, only CP & CF. CP was high for 5 days (during O), and we BD x 2 during that time – once on the highest day. No egg white this month to go by. CP started to lower slightly after that and firm up, but then seemed to go back up 5 days later, and soften significantly at the tip after 10 days. CF dried up after O, then got very lotiony (though not abundant), with a few creamy days thrown in. When I got AF, didn’t make sense because CP was high & soft still, instead of low & firm.

So you see. Maybe I'm not such a nut. Or maybe I am.

And because you read this far, I 'll continue reporting my symptoms. I also had a bloody nose this morning. The only time I've ever had a bloody nose was when I was pregnant. In fact for the first trimester with baby S I looked like a prize fighter half the time. And I'm peeing every two seconds, but that's also because I'm checking and checking and checking, and worrying? Can we really count that? Maybe not.

So thank you hope villain. I should have never let you in. You've got me all wound up and where will you be when the ball drops? Over at someone else's house that's where.

A little progesterone vacation

Yesterday I decided not to take the progesterone pills for a day. I considered that this was potentally foolish, but did it anyway because I'd been feeling so horrible for so many days. I was happy for the break. It was Sunday and we made crépes and relaxed by the fire. I didn't have to sit there holding my stomach, feeling like I was on a roller coaster ride.

I started back on them today. The old nausea is coming on strong so it's quite obvious that it's the pills. I don't know why I seem so sensitive to it. It doesn't seem to bother anyone else that I've talked with. Hmm, I must be one of the lucky ones.

Bleh...progesterone

My progesterone supplements are making me ill, very ill in fact. Yes, hear-ye, hear-ye I have "faux morning sickness!" Isn't that cruel? I may not even be pregnant but I have to suffer through the indignity of this, a diet of salty foods and sodie-pop for the next week.

It's also mimicking lots of other pregnancy symptoms like tingling sensations in my boobs and some weird headaches. This stuff is evil. And adding insult to injury it makes a real pastey goo down yonder all day long, making me ask the question at the end of the day, "wash 'em or toss 'em?" Yeah I know, yuck.

So, don't get too excited. It's only 7dpo and it's way too early for the hope villain to make his appearance on my front doorstep. White fedora, sly smile and knowing wink, he's such a charmer you just can't resist him. I'm going to try. In fact I think I'll need to be about 20dpo before I'll let myself fall into that trap again.